gfrancie: (sasek)
[personal profile] gfrancie
I am having a weird time mentally this week. Where every conversation I have feels not quite right. I suspect much of it is my PMDD that has gotten way weirder over the past year. I finally made an appointment to see a doctor about trying some form of birth control or something to even out this situation. Essentially I am fine most of the time but RIGHT before my period shows up, my hormones go so crazy that I essentially go crazy. It used to be a few days before, I would find myself kinda irritated by everyone, and I would want to eat a bag of chips. (I would then think, "oh yeah, about that time. And I would chill out and eat that bag of chips.) Easy-peasy. Now I feel this sudden drop in my emotional state (it almost feels like the room goes cold physically) and I will feel genuinely suicidal. Like REALLY suicidal. (awhile back I was about five minutes away from hanging myself because I felt like my existence was ruining everyone's life. And then the next day I was fine.) I stay safe. I work through those feelings and remind myself it isn't real, I just have to hang tight until my uterus catches up. And I feel so worthless and down-right paranoid thinking everyone hates me or thinks I am terrible in some fashion. It becomes this spiral of emotions and reactions. I become afraid of offending everyone, and if I do in the slightest I am scrambling like made to fix it. "oh no they hate me, I have fucked up royally again." (I already spend a good portion of my life trying not to hurt anyone's feelings. I aim to give the impression that I am find with most things, and that nothing bothers me. That's right, I want to be everyone's totally fine acquaintance and nothing more.)
The closest sensation I can compare it to is when I was breastfeeding and I had D-mer. (which is this weird reflex, where just prior to my milk releasing I would have this massive drop in dopamine and I would feel horribly depressed for a few minutes, along with this sick feeling in my stomach. It would go away, but it was always an odd feeling.)

I am making that step to get help for this. But if I am weird now and then, it is because I am trying to manage completely out of whack hormones and serotonin levels that have nose-dived.

Now to inhale a bag of ruffles, and hide under blankets. And stop irritating me people. Some of you are getting on my very last nerve. Except for you over there. You may stay. But only if you are quiet. No you may not have my crisps.

Date: 2017-02-06 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] land-girl.livejournal.com
Bless you. I spent many years feeling much the same. Even the breastfeeding thing.

One word: Mirena.

Date: 2017-02-12 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
Yeah. That is what I am hoping to get. "Pop it in and let me get back to things."
Did you experience any significant side-effects?

Date: 2017-02-12 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] land-girl.livejournal.com
No, none. I spent years resisting it for a hundred reasons, none of which mattered a jot once it was in and my life went from terrible to good.

I'm not going to tell you it is painless having it put in, but it's bearable, and within a couple of hours I didn't know it was there.

Date: 2017-02-06 10:01 pm (UTC)
hollymath: (Default)
From: [personal profile] hollymath
I used to feel very similar before my period, and hormonal contraceptive helps me a lot. Hope you find something that works for you too.

Date: 2017-02-12 05:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
This is really good to hear from other people.

Date: 2017-02-07 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] max-ambiguity.livejournal.com
Yikes, that is scary. I also used to have the "irritable and want to eat a bag of chips response," and recognizing what it was largely solved the problems. Now, I get super angry at the kids and have a variety of uncomfortable physical symptoms. I got the Mirena put in last year and the one thing I don't like about it is that since I don't have a period to track, I can't tell when I'm PMSing - which means no more recognizing it for what it is and telling myself to chill.

Date: 2017-02-12 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
Yeah, it must be kind of weird to navigate that when you aren't sure, "is everyone just annoying, or is it my hormones"

Date: 2017-02-07 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jillithian.livejournal.com
Thanks for your honesty and trust. <3

Date: 2017-02-12 05:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
You are welcome! I figure it is good to keep all of this as real as possible so that others don't hide it either.

Date: 2017-02-07 07:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cutebutpsycho99.livejournal.com
Oh my god. The fucked up royally feeling is me a well as trying not to hurt people's feelings.

I swear, you're not a terrible person. I've met terrible people and they think they're hunky dory.

Date: 2017-02-11 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maliekai.livejournal.com
This. Also I am glad you can be honest about it and super glad you are taking the step to get some help. I hope your doctor figures out the right thing for you right quick.

Date: 2017-02-12 05:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
I remind myself of that. I have some self awareness.
Some. *laughs*

Date: 2017-02-08 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kaligrrrl.livejournal.com
All my sympathies. I'm struggling a lot this year with anxiety and depression too and I know how hard it is. We love you, miss Gennie. <3

Date: 2017-02-12 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
It is a real bitch, isn't it. haha

Date: 2017-02-08 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] indighost.livejournal.com
Have you considered/looked into using Vitex (aka Chaste Tree Berry)? I used to have crazy hormone variation and it definitely evened me out.
But it's not for everyone.

*hugs*

Date: 2017-02-12 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
I will have to look for that. Thanks.

Date: 2017-02-12 07:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missfrost.livejournal.com
I had no idea this was going on with you, my lovely. I've not used Livejournal for years, and you're in and out of Facebook. But you know I love you, and I know you love me too. I think we understand each other a lot. My phone number and email are on my Facebook info if you ever want to chat, or just argue about the differences in UK and US cookery.

Date: 2017-02-12 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
Aww thanks. I am all right. (I admit on FB I tend to keep it light and cheerful when I am not railing about politics.) But that is really sweet.
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