Reading

Entry tags:

my house

(no subject)

I had the shrubs cut down. I had to call somebody which involved using the phone, my nemesis. I cold called a name from Next Door because I had bolloxed up the Thumbtack account I used before. It somehow involved the phone, my nemesis. (If I don’t use something every day I forget how it works.)

So after Diego left (after loading a cartload, a large cartload of greenery) a new neighbor came over to get the 411 (do people still say that?) on him. Because “her guy” quit. I learned a lot about him, where he lives, his new job and how much he likes it.. She needs somebody to do garden stuff, needs it bad but at a reasonable price. She took Diego’s card. There seems to have been an ice storm around here last year and it lives in people’s memories, any garden discussion brings it up. Something to look forward to.

Today there is construction or destruction going on just outside my back yard. It is loud and ongoing.

Entry tags:

ableism

PIP assessment

I knew it'd be awful but the PIP assessment was really awful.

I've mostly had nice assessors in the past, which helps as much as anything can. But this one wasn't doing a good job of hiding her glee at her petty power over me. Mean-girl vibes.

When we told V we were having coffee and cake afterward, they expressed their approval and said they'd hoped I would be. I said I learned this from them the first time I had one of these fucking assessments and they went along with me: they had to buy me the cake after that because I was too poor to do it myself, so I remember it.

V replied: "They will not be allowed to take away our joy." Damn right.

Entry tags:

ableism,
work

Overwhelmed

The meme that goes "what a week/Captain, it's Wednesday"?

I basically said both parts of that myself today, in a meeting with an equally tired and frazzled colleague.

And it was only much later that I realized.

It isn't even Wednesday today. It's only Tuesday.

First thing tomorrow morning I have my PIP assessment. It's for a review from 2024 of a decision made in 2021. So much has happened. Looking over my descriptions from both these documents tonight, I am overwhelmed.

After the assessment, I will rush in to avpresentation for a webinar with a couple of colleagues (which is actually way more stressful than doing it myself). As long as the DWP's (expensive outsourced) assessors don't keep me waiting an arbitrary amount of time for it as one of their little games, something they are known to do.

Entry tags:

cats

(no subject)

So the cats are liable to make a break for it every time I open the front door. They don’t go far but they stay out for hours. Festis will scratch the door to be let in (she’s the level headed one) but Snow has to be corralled. Them being out is bad for them, me and the neighbors.

I’ve come up with a solution. The small laundry room has a door to the hall and a door to the back yard. If I close the hall door, no cats have access to an open door to outside. Then I have to make a big U turn round the back of the house to get to the car. This is inconvenient and I feel bad that cats don’t go out into the world with all those exciting smells.

I bought another cat tower to place in front of an open window. They can look at things but not touch. Until I can afford a catio, they’re inside. As much as I can control it.

Last night the cats were on the bed lying on their sides wrasslin’. Limbs entwined and paws stuck in each other's faces. And then they both fell asleep like that.

Entry tags:

Part 2 of Things About My Voice

The way my voice now resonates in my body feels better to me than I ever thought it could.

I was thinking of this this morning because I talked with a fellow trans dude about singing over the weekend; him dealing with changes to his range made me ponder how I've been kinda avoiding trying to find what my singing might be like?

I know voice training and documenting changes, in speaking and singing, is a Thing for a lot of trans people but the notion gave me big anxiety so I've stayed away from it.

Today I am carefully singing along with the radio (in the sense that I am doing it with care, rather than just finding myself doing so while I am working or whatever) and I don't really care how I sound but I love how it feels.

I said this on fedi and was charmed to have one of my dadliest friends (who we call Other Erik because he's another Erik) say

I hope you never lose that joy! For my part, I still love the feeling and I’ve had a mature low “adult” voice for over 30 years. I find myself humming low-range tunes to myself rather frequently just for the feeling of it in my chest.

It's nice to know it can stay fun for that long!

Entry tags:

Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success

I had a fun time tonight watching D play a very silly round of Hardspace: Shipbreaker, which then got surprisingly stressful and harrowing for a game about taking spaceships apart, and then had an eventful and actually sweet cutscene.

Entry tags:

Screm at own ankle

Ever since D's girlfriend broke her leg while roller skating last weekend, my ankle has been sore, something it hardly ever does any more and I've done nothing physical (like walk a lot) to cause it.

So I have tried yelling "Shut up, this is clearly psychosomatic! You're fine!" at it. Repeatedly.

Disappointingly, this doesn't seem to be working. (I didn't really expect it to. I'm just saying it woulda been nice if it did, is all!)

Entry tags:

language,
whimsy

Something fishy!

Today for work, I saw someone spell fisticuffs as "fisty cuffs" and a) that is adorable and b) it also makes me realize what a strange word fisticuffs is!

So naturally I looked it up.

c. 1600, fisty cuffes, from fist (n.) + cuff (n.) "a blow", with the form perhaps in imitation of handiwork.

Well! That's such a boring etymology, but... nice to see the spelling returned to something more like the original!

I said this on fedi and a friend's response has been delighting me ever since:

I always misread it as fishticuffs, so always had an image in my head of some kind of betta fish boxing, complete with gloves over fins

That made me giggle. They're an artist so I asked if they would draw this some time. I am wondering how a fish gets boxing gloves on its fins...

Entry tags:

They say I got brains

My ex-husband knows and thinks and cares so much about Brian Wilson that I feel like I shared a polycule with the man.

Wandering around the house tonight, doing the last chores of the evening while the Doof is finishing up, I hear "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times" and I still know all the words, still remember the pained 20somethings Andrew and I were when we met and he introduced me to this weird lonely musician and all his feelings which were also our weird lonely feelings.

There was always something terribly melancholy for me in Brian Wilson's music -- there's a demo of "Still I Dream of It" that used to make me so sad that just thinking about the song made me cry uncontrollably -- and all the more once I left my marriage and never really listened to the Beach Boys any more. And the odd time I hear them, on the radio or like now, I'm always a little thrown by how weird the commercially-released songs sound, without all the unreleased versions layered over them in my mind because those were more common in my marital home (like I said: Not a parasocial relationship for me, but a parasocial metamour).

D made sure I heard the news, and I texted Andrew once I did. I just couldn't let such a thing go by without saying I was thinking of him.

I think both Brian Wilson and Andrew eventually "found the thing they can put their heart and soul in to," as the song goes, and I'm really glad for that.

Entry tags:

disability,
work

This morning has been too much

I didn't write here yesterday, but what I said on fedi last night was 'Tomorrow is going to be an absolutely disgusting day at work: stressful meetings, grim topics to dwell on..."

The stressful meetings weren't as bad as I expected. Though they were tiring. Lots to think about.

Then some other stuff happened that inspired a household conversation about logistics. All fine, very glad we can do the things we can do. But, more to think about.

Then I got a letter inviting me to my first in-person PIP (UK welfare benefits for disabled people) assessment in a decade.

It's next week, on the day of an important work thing.

At 9 in the morning.

In a part of the city I don't know at all. I don't want D to drive me but I'll have to do a practice run myself if I want to get the bus there. They always pick weird buildings that look like all the other buildings, or some industrial park miles from anywhere, or something inaccessible.

Anyway, back to work: I now have to spend the afternoon paying close attention to the Government's spending review, which is bound to make me angry and frustrated.

Entry tags:

my life

(no subject)

I usually take half an otc sleeping pill because my thoughts swirling prevent me from calming down. Yesterday I was very hyper at bedtime, having had a bad day, and I took a whole pill. I didn’t get awake until 11AM. Half the day gone. And it’s so hot here. Upper 90s(F). I had plans to do errands but all I did was water the plants. Yesterday the resident deer spent the day sitting under my azalea bushes in the deep shade.

My neighbor whose name I heard as Joanne is actually named Deanna. It happens. She is a talker, and knows everybody. Not malicious gossip but if you want to know how many kids someone has or who had a stroke, she’s your girl.

Entry tags:

trans

Odds and ends about my voice (part 1 of a series apparently)

The other day I overhead D telling someone that I now naturally have the voice that I put on for my character in our D&D game a couple of years ago.

I was an orc barbarian, heh.

I was delighted to hear this because I hadn't consciously been doing a voice for Bulrik (I went through dozens of orc names I hated in one of the online name generators before finding one I could live with at all, only much later realizing it's most of the name I chose for my self!) and I didn't know that's what I sound like all the time now! How delightful.

I haven't done any conscious voice training at all, just let the testosterone do its work. And I didn't record my voice at any point with the intent of tracking the change, which I guess is a norm in some online cultures. Both of these choices have been conscious decisions made to protect my mental health and I feel really good about that, but it does mean my boundless self-absorption has nothing to work with here! So it's nice to have some external observation.

The other stuff I've been meaning to write about is gonna have to wait; I'm too tired now apparently.

Entry tags:

I do like being a gay uncle.

I went to the park with haggis and her kid this morning.

There was one point where I was pushing said kid on the swings (a lot of the morning was haggis, D and I doing as we were directed and I'd been specifically told to push her at this point) next to a nice young man doing the same with his own toddler.

He said hello by asking me "How old is she?" to which I of course panicked because I'm not sure these days. "...Four??" I said eventually. haggis came over and saved me from more of this peril by making normal parent conversation herself.

Then the guy said "Is she the only one you guys have?" and my thoughts hadn't gotten any further than what, here with us today?

haggis said the kid is hers, and her husband's but I'm not her husband, and meanwhile I was like oh shit he thinks I'm the husband! or the new dad! Oh no! So I joked about being a gay uncle.

I don't think I've ever been mistaken for a husband before! I probably would've thought it was fun, if I wasn't too confused at the time to know that it was happening...

Entry tags:

intimacies

Last month I met someone whose visa has just been approved and who started T today.

What a good day.

I was excited to meet another trans immigrant... so much that I immediately behaved as if there was a kind of intimacy between us that does not in fact exist: I teased him about how he only had a few hours left until he started being stinky...and then as we were leaving he asked me "wait, so about that smell thing, was that serious, because I've been wondering...."

oh no!

But! It worked out okay: I saw him again a fortnight later, and he made a point of telling me I was right about the stinkiness. Which made me smile but also gave me a chance to apologize for saying something that could be so easily misconstrued. I tried to explain about the false sense of intimacy I immediately felt when

He said it was fine, it was funny. To be understood as I'd intended was a relief!

He told me that the person standing next to him, an acquaintance of mine, someone he had been draped over all evening, has been counting his facial hairs.

As of that day there were eight of them.

It was so heartwarming and delightful to see early transition so intimately documented like that. Especially for a masc person; the loving detail is something I'm so much more used to seeing from trans fems.

Entry tags:

Wonders never cease

Every afternoon this week, I reach a point in the afternoon where I stumble away from my work computer and end up in the kitchen, and there on the countertop I see a handful (or more!) of strawberries, which V has harvested and washed.

And I try to only eat half (which was easier today because they ended up telling me they'd already eaten half of what they'd picked, and they'd finished off the blueberries in the fridge along with it; basically that was their lunch), and it's just the thing I need to get through the rest of the day.

Strawberry season is the best season. And I'm so grateful that don't even have to pick them myself!