parenting drivel

[gfrancie]

I recently read some blog post where a Mother had concerns about her daughter playing with Barbie. Her kid is three, she let her have a barbie from the thrift store and she felt really uncomfortable because she dislikes Barbie and all that it is associated with it. She has concerns about things like body dysmorphia and so on. (blah-di-blah blah women's studies stuff) She wanted advice on finding some more body-friendly dolls and so on.


When I was a kid, my Mom had some initial concerns about me having a Barbie as well. I saved my pennies and bought Peaches'n'Cream Barbie. Btw, she was one of the most awesome Barbies ever in the history of Barbie. Don't argue with me. I am right. I have several witnesses who can back me up on this hard fact. Once I had my Barbie and I also began to collect clothes for her. It was observing me playing with Barbie; my Mother remembered what she had loved about her own Barbies. It was fun to dress her up in her flashy trashy clothes. I didn't have a ton of Barbies; just a few different ones that I loved dressing up and giving them adventures (most of which involved them flying around the world to parties, running their salon, going to the Ghostbuster house for bbqs and occasionally getting into fights with one another over who would wear which fabulous outfit to the party in Paris. Important stuff y'all) I lacked a Ken, so there weren't a lot of sex parties unless I went to my friend Annie's house as she had a couple of Kens. I had a Pacific Islander/Hawaiian Barbie and a Midge. I think it was a nice variety. A little something for everyone. I also had some terrific cloth dolls my Mother had made for me and a couple of store-bought ones. I enjoyed playing with all of them. (I also lusted after the American Girl Dolls but we were too poor to afford them.) I also liked playing with trucks, lego and my brother's toys. (Both of my brothers also had a variety of dolls. One of my brothers had a couple of baby dolls that he was incredibly protective of.) There really wasn't any limitation on what we could and could not play with. No gender divide or judgment about what we played with. I think that was incredibly important. Kids really don't need a lot of dogma when it comes to play -no matter how politically correct it is. Most kids just want to play. Some are partial to dollies and some are not. No point in trying to sway them either way because really you enter into some much more dangerous territory which later on which I will get into.
As for the whole idea of gender dysmorphia I kind of want to laugh. Girls in particular are more likely to get that stuff from family. Usually it comes in the form of people making pointed comments about their looks or their weight. (you would be so much prettier if you just lost a few pounds. You shouldn't eat dessert, you are getting to be a big girl.) Girls also pick it up from observing their own Mothers slagging themselves off or constantly bemoaning their weight. Kids learn that behavior over time. Girls develop quite a few body issues when going through puberty. Some of it is related to what they experience in school, some of it is just the lack of education many have about regarding what is going on with their bodies and often times a parent might not help this. (It is pretty common to gain a fair amount of weight when you are going through puberty and I saw a number of girls being told by their Mothers that they needed to go on a diet. So much diet yogurt was eaten in junior high. Really their parents should have read a few health books instead.) It isn't Barbie that does this. It is mostly well-meaning but clueless people who close to a kid.
Going back to the the limitations of what a kid can and can't play with, I do worry that when you say, "no not for you" because you are a boy/girl or you have your own political agenda that you are going to make a minor situation escalate into something huge. It could leave a more profound emotional impact than letting the kid have a Barbie. You don't have to give a kid every toy they want, but if they really enjoy playing Barbie and they like being a Princess for awhile or just play with GI Joe and trucks, the phase might not last as long if you don't make it a forbidden pleasure. It isn't like it will make a kid gay or end up some insipid creature with no sense of self.

My kid adores these three little cars that he owns. He even sleeps with them. He also adores an old doll of mine called Ginny. She wears a fancy dress, has gold shoes and pretty blonde hair. She also sleeps next to him. I am not too worried about Senor Onion. He loves a lot of things. (I trip on so much damn lego) He is very tender with his dolls and stuffed animals. He puts them all to bed each night and makes sure they are covered up with blankets. I am mostly observing a kid who likes to take gentle care of creatures and that isn't a bad lesson to learn.

Comments

[brainchild129.livejournal.com]

This is my take on that sort of issue: I had a bunch of Barbies and various accessories/playsets. Some of them were hand-me-downs from my sister, some were my own. And I never felt any sort of pressure, from the dolls themselves or from the advertising, that she was any sort of ideal that I HAD to live up to. Barbies were just blank slates upon which to create all sorts of outrageous soap-opera-esque stories. Hell, more often I was interested in the little playsets with all their accessories than the dolls themselves.

And for the record, my favorite was a Native American one - she was part of that special [insert country/ethnicity] Princess line they had when I was a kid, with Barbies from various countries/time periods. I think she might have been specifically Navajo or some other Southwestern tribe, but I'm not sure. But she had lovely dark hair and brown skin and a nifty white fringed outfit and I thought she was just the bees' knees, probably in part because she looked so different from the other dolls.

[claritapita.livejournal.com]

My barbies were hookers. I turned out ok ;)

[sallysimpleton.livejournal.com]

I had a Peaches 'n Cream barbie too! It was everything you say and more.

And my weight complex came about for a variety of reasons - bad stuff happening (TM), my mother being impossibly thin and she could eat whatever she wanted (like me, she was 5'7 but almost always weighed in the 110s, reaching 129 on the day she arrived at the hospital to deliver me...until she hit her 50s), and her and grandmothers teasing me about my weight at very memorable or critical moments. It was rare, but boy did I hang onto those moments.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

I have sympathy for the point behind worrying about Barbies, but as you say body issues aren't coming from Barbie as she is at most a symptom and not a cause - it's the rest of society and families that are responsible. And you are probably not going to win many battles about body weight by simply banning a type of doll.

We played Salem Witch Craft trials with our Sindys (pretty much Barbie). V. entertaining.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

Both of my sisters had Barbies as did all of our girl cousins and none of them had body issues because of it. Any damn fool knows that girls catch body issues off other girls!

I had Star wars figures and when they first came out, I was allowed to have a Luke and a Han Solo, but NOT a Princess Leia, and this was made into a huge issue, and my small mind could not understand. Who were Luke and Han going to rescue? Of course this meant Luke and Han ended up usually rescuing each other AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT ENDED UP DONT WE MOTHER!!??

My friend Robbie had one Barbie and his father took it and threw it on the roof.Now Robbie is a grown man and with his inheritance bought thousands of barbies which look rather magnificent in glass cases all through his house. (He was also pen pals with Marlene Dietrich at the age of 10, I kid you not).

I was not allowed to watch Farrah Fawcett and so I became obsessed. So, you are right, by taking a "No, not for you!" approach, a parent turns something simple into a fetish that a child has to feel guilty about and may never resolve, dragging it into adult life long after they may have done if they had just been allowed to be a kid and play imaginatively which is completely normal.

I have one friend who was not allowed ANY toys, just cooking ingredients from the age of 3 and now he is undoubtedly a great cook but has absolutely no imagination or appreciation for the arts involved and thinks everyone who watches scifi is weird.

Si this is something that I am also pretty passionate about, let em play with it and they will maybe grow out of it. Playing with dolls or trucks or wearing pink or blue does not indicate whether a child will grow up gay and a parent only shows their complete ignorance by assuming it will.

It was mostly my responsibility as a child to entertain my younger sister, and we would build elaborate sets and act out long involved stories with our toys. One of the most popular storylines involved a Carrie Fisher doll and a Lindsay Wagner doll stealing Barbies car and taking off on a Thelma and Louise style rampage with farm animals. I wish I had it on video.

[sahara-harp.livejournal.com]

I am now reminiscing about the Barbies I had that were hand-me-downs from the 1960s. They had bouffy hairdos and wore false eyelashes and all the clothes were totally groovy. They lived in a case that was shaped like an airplane, with the fold down tables and facing seats. There were orange and green plastic plates and cups for the passengers. I can smell that vinyl case now.

I tried giving my daughter Barbies but she never played with them.

[cogshiftingman.livejournal.com]

Neither my sister or I had Barbie Dolls. We had to make do for our medical and sexual play acting with my erstwhile bear Todd (he of the lopsided nostrils), and a rather scrawny looking squirrel called Zotty (who appeared to be suffering from the advanced stages of squirrel leprosy). I know my sister hankered after a Barbie, which is a shame really. As I recall my folks claimed they were too expensive.

[lightprincess89.livejournal.com]

I remember getting to play with your barbies, and your fashion set. There was also the one Christmas you guys gave me barbie's kitchen and bathroom set. I luuuurrvvveed those!
I remember reading New Moon. I was about 10, and it was the first time I ever read of Barbie being associated with poor body image and all that. I was really confused at this, and it made me worried. Suddenly I was told that because I played with Barbie, I was obviously warped, and would most likely end up with an eating disorder by the time I was 15. If people didn't bring this shit up, it wouldn't be such a problem. Sheesh!
Anyway, if people are sooo worried. They could always take a look at Groovy Girl dolls. Those are just as trashy, and tons of fun. I think people should be more worried about those dumb Bratz dolls. Talk about sluts.

[cutebutpsycho99.livejournal.com]

Peaches and Cream Barbie FTW! That dress was awesome! And my Barbies made excellent cat toys. Ken was the evil oppressor against the My Little Pony/Care Bear/She Ra rebellion.

I see your point with Barbie. And really, I'm more terrified of Bratz dolls than anything. I think it's just a matter of being a parent who also provides an outside voice to counteract media messages.

[robiewankenobie.livejournal.com]

i don't think i ever owned a real barbie...just the cheap knock offs. my friends did, though, and we spent a lot of time bending their knees backwards and up, and popping off their heads.

[todayiamadaisy]

I was allowed to have Barbies. I had three, I think. My favourite was cowgirl Barbie who wore a white satin one-piece riding outift and a kicky plastic hat. She could wink, revealing a thick layer of bright blue eyeshadow. She also had a palamino horse. I have never seen a Bratz doll that is anywhere near that awesome.

On the other hand, I was never allowed to have a Ken, because my mother thought he was useless. My Barbies had to make do with He-Man and Star Wars figurines.

[lady-mitzi.livejournal.com]

I never had a Barbie, I had her poor (cheap!) cousin Sindy instead. I always had body issues but don't remember EVER feeling that I had to live up to the unrealistic proportions of a doll. As a child I compared myself to other little girls, not to grown women!

Interesting post and I wish I had more mental energy to expand my comment.

[emmabovary.livejournal.com]

All I can say is this: I'd rather have my children playing with beautiful thin Barbies than ugly fat dolls. I'd rather have my children model themselves after something esthetically pleasing than something unpleasant to look at. So shoot me. When the culture norm places the bar on respecting yourself to the extent that you maintain a healthy body weight and shiny coiffed hair, (for men AND women) making life more agreeable for all who look at you, it gives us a nation of lovely-looking folks with far fewer body issues. Trust me. You never see a Frenchwoman leaving the house without lipstick or a Frenchman going out in unpressed jeans, and the country is happier for it. (Although I do wish they'd get on the deodorant wagon. That would make for a nicer time in public transport.)

[rebeccmeister.livejournal.com]

The Peaches'n'cream Barbie was my favorite, too! And also one of the only Barbies I had as a kid. Fortunately, she isn't the one that I gave a haircut. Heh heh heh.

Spot on with your mothering philosophy, as usual. I will have you raise my children for me. Oh, wait. That means I won't get to have any of the fun!

[jillithian.livejournal.com]

I had a few Barbies and one Jem doll. No Kens. Jem was significantly taller than Barbie, so she was my Ken. I don't think it turned me gay (as if that's a bad thing anyway!)

But, I actually didn't like Barbies as much as My Little Ponies because the Barbies would always kick their tables over and that pissed me off - I could never make their legs bend sufficiently so they'd have to sit REALLY far away from the tables. So I just used all of the Barbie furniture, accessories, and clothes on the Ponies instead.

It was funny, because I had a very stable childhood (other than moving a lot) and I would have really bratty Pony kids when I played with arguments and all of that. But my friend across the street had divorced parents and a dad who trafficked drugs across the Canadian border and her Pony kids were always well-behaved and happy.

[anonamys.livejournal.com]

Was this post the one on Ask Moxie? I went to college with Moxie, so that would be a bit of meeting of my separate worlds!

[yoko.livejournal.com]

I am definitely on the wagon of "just let the kids play with the toys" already. Allen loves Corrine's princess shoes, her headbands and pink snow boots- and we let him wear them. He also loves to play with baby dolls, tea party sets, hammers, shovels, trucks & dinosaurs. Corrine went through a phase where she was obsessed with trucks & dinosaurs- yet most people saw that as a girl being "well-rounded", so why is a boy playing with Barbies being "girly"? It's all silly.

I think girls get more body issues from watching the mainstream media and listening to other people than playing with Barbies.

I've thought a lot about my own body issues lately as I've been working on being healthier. And I've tried very hard to teach my kids (but specifically my daughter) about balance & health in their eating and provide plenty of healthy choices. Trying to teach them the importance of exercise and being active for all the physical, mental & emotional reasons- not so much about trying to be skinny or look a certain way. While I don't remember my parents ever telling me I was fat or needed to lose weight, I wish I would have had the knowledge to make healthier choices when I was younger.

[rockgeisha.livejournal.com]

I had totally forgotten about Peaches 'n' Cream Barbie until now! I remember running my finger over the nubby material of the bodice. Even as a little girl, I had to touch everything.

[artemis-moon.livejournal.com]

We were funny parents. We tried to buy nongender toys for our son and he ended up loving a Jasmine doll from Disney's Aladdin. We put off buying Barbies for our daughter and then tried to convince her to stick with dark haired Barbies with actual professions, and she ended up loving the buxom blondes the most.

kids....