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keep pretending
Today I felt the beginning of that slow descent into depression/weirdness that comes every month. It was kind of a blech feeling to realize it, but I am also kind of calm because I know what is going on, and I am going to the doctor on Tuesday and I know how to advocate for myself and get what I need.
It was just a bit hard around 5:30 because the light was a certain way and it was windy and since I was a child, there has been something about that combination of things that makes me feel squirrely. Even in a room full of people it can make me feel absolutely alone. I focused on making toad in the hole (it has been awhile since I have made that) and carefully slicing vegetables and all those other inane details. It doesn't quite get me out of my head but it is a direction.
I just have to tell myself when I don't feel like doing anything, that I have to do those basic things. I have to get out of bed, get dressed, brushed my teeth, eat something, tend to my children, talk to my husband, and so on and so forth. My reward is a hot bath at the end of the day.
I edited/expanded a short story I wrote awhile ago and tossed onto the pile. I feel kind of good about it. It is just a matter of figuring out what to do with it.
It was just a bit hard around 5:30 because the light was a certain way and it was windy and since I was a child, there has been something about that combination of things that makes me feel squirrely. Even in a room full of people it can make me feel absolutely alone. I focused on making toad in the hole (it has been awhile since I have made that) and carefully slicing vegetables and all those other inane details. It doesn't quite get me out of my head but it is a direction.
I just have to tell myself when I don't feel like doing anything, that I have to do those basic things. I have to get out of bed, get dressed, brushed my teeth, eat something, tend to my children, talk to my husband, and so on and so forth. My reward is a hot bath at the end of the day.
I edited/expanded a short story I wrote awhile ago and tossed onto the pile. I feel kind of good about it. It is just a matter of figuring out what to do with it.
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Is it cyclical? I had a mega dose of vitamin D and even went for a run yesterday, but i still felt literally rotten.
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As for me, I took it for a couple of days and then I stopped, mainly because I will be seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in an effort to get me properly medicated. Up until now that has just been something my GP has done, but I think I might be in deeper water than any GP should have to deal with. I was already worried about coming off of Cymbalta/duloxetine if the head doctor wants to try something else, as I've read it can be quite difficult and I've had a couple of run-ins with what it's like when I've run out of medication and hence have been cold-turkey without it. (It is unpleasant.) So I thought, well, since I'm not really ramped up with the SAM-e, maybe I should hold off and not add some heretofore-untried supplement until the Doc can do his job.
Anyway, just thought I'd mention it since a lot of what I'd read mentioned its use in specifically evening out that monthly mood fluctuation. Sorry to be That Person, if it comes off as overly pushy. :) I too admire your strength and I'm always inspired by your honesty and the way you handle things.
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tl;dr I hear you. I feel you & a whole lot of us love you even when you feel low. Go listen to the Smiths, I swear Morrissey's voice has healing properties <3
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So tomorrow I go to the doctor and say, "I need an IUD or something to chill this shit out."
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