keep pretending

[gfrancie]

Today I felt the beginning of that slow descent into depression/weirdness that comes every month. It was kind of a blech feeling to realize it, but I am also kind of calm because I know what is going on, and I am going to the doctor on Tuesday and I know how to advocate for myself and get what I need.
It was just a bit hard around 5:30 because the light was a certain way and it was windy and since I was a child, there has been something about that combination of things that makes me feel squirrely. Even in a room full of people it can make me feel absolutely alone. I focused on making toad in the hole (it has been awhile since I have made that) and carefully slicing vegetables and all those other inane details. It doesn't quite get me out of my head but it is a direction.

I just have to tell myself when I don't feel like doing anything, that I have to do those basic things. I have to get out of bed, get dressed, brushed my teeth, eat something, tend to my children, talk to my husband, and so on and so forth. My reward is a hot bath at the end of the day.

I edited/expanded a short story I wrote awhile ago and tossed onto the pile. I feel kind of good about it. It is just a matter of figuring out what to do with it.

Comments

[neptunia67.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your experiences here. I am constantly impressed with how you push through instead of giving in. I admire your strength.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I admit I find it difficult to view it as strength. Especially in the really dark moments that I don't get into much. It is a lot of deal-making with myself.

[jillithian.livejournal.com]

Is it cyclical? I had a mega dose of vitamin D and even went for a run yesterday, but i still felt literally rotten.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Pretty much every month everything goes a bit side-ways for a few days. Even if I run and do ALL of the healthy things. Today is a weird day as well. So I did a lot of cooking to keep me occupied.

[kill.livejournal.com]

The nurse practitioner I work with for my chronic pain issues, when she heard that since I turned 35, my mood goes haywire the week before my period, recommended SAM-e to me. Another friend uses it for focus and energy, as well, so I bought some to try. I did notice that there is some information online that this is often used to even out PMDD, so it might be worth a look if you haven't already.

As for me, I took it for a couple of days and then I stopped, mainly because I will be seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in an effort to get me properly medicated. Up until now that has just been something my GP has done, but I think I might be in deeper water than any GP should have to deal with. I was already worried about coming off of Cymbalta/duloxetine if the head doctor wants to try something else, as I've read it can be quite difficult and I've had a couple of run-ins with what it's like when I've run out of medication and hence have been cold-turkey without it. (It is unpleasant.) So I thought, well, since I'm not really ramped up with the SAM-e, maybe I should hold off and not add some heretofore-untried supplement until the Doc can do his job.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention it since a lot of what I'd read mentioned its use in specifically evening out that monthly mood fluctuation. Sorry to be That Person, if it comes off as overly pushy. :) I too admire your strength and I'm always inspired by your honesty and the way you handle things.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I haven't heard of SAM-e, I am willing to give it a whirl. I just wish I could take something for JUST those days because other than that I am handling things really well these days. (and hey thanks for the kind works. I am open to all sorts of suggestions to keep the dark monster in its cage.)

[instantkarmma.livejournal.com]

I was going to ask if it happened to coincide with your period at all and/or could be hormonal. I've been trying to keep track of my depressive episodes to try and figure out if I'm ovulating or something (still have ovaries but without the demon uterus it's hard to tell when my period would be) The pharmacy also just switched manufacturers of my anti-depressant which is some bull shit. Don't fuck with people's mental health meds. I'll pay the extra $3 a month or whatever for you to LEAVE IT ALONE.

tl;dr I hear you. I feel you & a whole lot of us love you even when you feel low. Go listen to the Smiths, I swear Morrissey's voice has healing properties <3

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Yep. It totally coincides with my period. I have been keeping track of this stuff for nearly two years. It is full blown nasty PMDD. I go from feeling cheerful to feeling utterly suicidal and it was freaking terrifying at first because I couldn't figure out why it was happening. I would have crying jags and so on. That has never been my thing.
So tomorrow I go to the doctor and say, "I need an IUD or something to chill this shit out."

[instantkarmma.livejournal.com]

Honestly, women get so much shit. We bleed every month, our hormones go nuts, shaving, make-up, nylons/tights, BRAS & dudes have to hold a book in front of their surprise boners for a couple months in junior high. Not fair. Fingers crossed that you make some progress tomorrow and can get this crap leveled out <3