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My handy-dandy tips for conception.
Feb. 13th, 2009 09:08 amI want to preface this by saying that I know that fertility isn't a joke and it is a very serious and real issue for some people. They have all of my sympathy in the world because biology and reproductive organs are fickle fickle bastards.
But here is my advice on how to become pregnant rather fast if you want to become pregnant.
-Lose some weight and buy some really really cute trousers that make your backside look totally cute for once and OMG the trousers were on sale too. Also have a very cute skirt made up that just fits you and also makes you feel faintly smug when you wear it because no one else has one and it is tres chic and whatever.
-Buy a large box of pads/tampons because you were nearly out and "your brand" was on sale at Target or the drugstore and it is better to be overstocked a bit than having to do that late night run when it is that time of the month. I can say for a fact that this has worked twice.
-Get giddy with the idea of visiting in laws at Christmas and the prospect that there will be really good drinks and lots of champagne and it will be delicious. Champers people!
-I didn't do this one, but my friend found that selling the crib and getting rid of a few other baby things was a great way to find herself pregnant.
-Be Catholic. Just stand down-wind from your partner and you too will be great with child. But there won't be any promises of a manger or weird hippie gifts from these guys from Africa. But the Grandparents will treat the child like the son of God.
I suppose you could have unprotected sex, but where is the fun in that. Anyone can do that. Well it is fun to have sex but you know what I mean. I think.
So here is a funny story about pregnancy tests. I know who doesn't love one. I had bought a couple of tests just before we left for England as I had suspicions that I was pregnant. I attempted to take a test and BOTH were faulty. Yes. I cannot make that up. And in Mr. Jenner's village of two hundred some people they just have a tiny little shop and it didn't look like they carried such things and like hell I would buy one there if they did because someone would have talked fast. It is a tiny village. You know how these things worked. I went out shopping with my Mother in law in Barnstaple but I really didn't want to say, "oh excuse me I must stop at the Chemists to get a pregnancy test." I managed to lose her a bit while shopping for a christmas present in Sainsbury's. So I got a mortar and pestle for my brother in law (heavy as heck) and a pregnancy test. A great combination. The clerk was very funny and nice. ("oops want to make sure the security tag is off this test, don't want to explain that to the security guard do you.") So I had to resort to stealth tactics in obtaining a test. What am I? fourteen?
Nice thing about my in laws finding out I was pregnant is that I become the instant pet of the house. It is great. You give them a grandchild and you are their new favorite child. They will do anything for you and I suspect might murder on my orders. You don't even have to help with the dishes. hee.
ETA: read yesterday's post if you aren't entirely sure what is going on.
But here is my advice on how to become pregnant rather fast if you want to become pregnant.
-Lose some weight and buy some really really cute trousers that make your backside look totally cute for once and OMG the trousers were on sale too. Also have a very cute skirt made up that just fits you and also makes you feel faintly smug when you wear it because no one else has one and it is tres chic and whatever.
-Buy a large box of pads/tampons because you were nearly out and "your brand" was on sale at Target or the drugstore and it is better to be overstocked a bit than having to do that late night run when it is that time of the month. I can say for a fact that this has worked twice.
-Get giddy with the idea of visiting in laws at Christmas and the prospect that there will be really good drinks and lots of champagne and it will be delicious. Champers people!
-I didn't do this one, but my friend found that selling the crib and getting rid of a few other baby things was a great way to find herself pregnant.
-Be Catholic. Just stand down-wind from your partner and you too will be great with child. But there won't be any promises of a manger or weird hippie gifts from these guys from Africa. But the Grandparents will treat the child like the son of God.
I suppose you could have unprotected sex, but where is the fun in that. Anyone can do that. Well it is fun to have sex but you know what I mean. I think.
So here is a funny story about pregnancy tests. I know who doesn't love one. I had bought a couple of tests just before we left for England as I had suspicions that I was pregnant. I attempted to take a test and BOTH were faulty. Yes. I cannot make that up. And in Mr. Jenner's village of two hundred some people they just have a tiny little shop and it didn't look like they carried such things and like hell I would buy one there if they did because someone would have talked fast. It is a tiny village. You know how these things worked. I went out shopping with my Mother in law in Barnstaple but I really didn't want to say, "oh excuse me I must stop at the Chemists to get a pregnancy test." I managed to lose her a bit while shopping for a christmas present in Sainsbury's. So I got a mortar and pestle for my brother in law (heavy as heck) and a pregnancy test. A great combination. The clerk was very funny and nice. ("oops want to make sure the security tag is off this test, don't want to explain that to the security guard do you.") So I had to resort to stealth tactics in obtaining a test. What am I? fourteen?
Nice thing about my in laws finding out I was pregnant is that I become the instant pet of the house. It is great. You give them a grandchild and you are their new favorite child. They will do anything for you and I suspect might murder on my orders. You don't even have to help with the dishes. hee.
ETA: read yesterday's post if you aren't entirely sure what is going on.
