An Exercise in Futility

I have gotten through the first month on birth control and holy cow, life is night and day. It appears I have been living for years with completely out of whack hormone levels. I freaking sleep all right. I don't feel suicidal anymore. I feel... pretty darn good. It isn't for everyone but this is kind of all right.

Today is Mothering Sunday in the UK. It always feels a bit like, "sorta Mother's Day but whatevs... the real day is in May." I was given cards by my children. (Thank you very much.) And then Mr. Jenner took the kids to his mum's for a sunday roast. I stayed home and had a few hours to myself. I ate cold pizza, watched my spanish soap opera, and slouched across the sofa. I also did a bit of laundry, and poked about in the garden. It was just a few hours but dang, it was a gift and a half. Then everyone came home and I made children supper, and cuddled with Miss Biscuit, and talked with Senor Onion. It was not too bad a day.

A friend of a friend is pushing me to submit something to some anthology. So that is what I am doing. Because rejection is life and life is rejection, and sometimes you get ice cream. Or something. I have no idea why I do this.

I made a cake that I sort of messed up in the process of mixing the batter but somehow I managed to save it and it turned out even better than I had anticipated. I have been passing out hunks of it to people. It is a rather Spring-like cake. Very cheerful. "here have something to make you feel okay about things." My sister in law fed some to her children for breakfast. Yes breakfast cake can be a thing.

The cat peed on the carpet, (which is rather unusual for him, so I may take him to the vet on Monday) I have this enormous pimple on my face, (what am I? thirteen?) and I am slowly adjusting to birth control. (it feels a bit like early pregnancy.) BUT BUT BUT I booked my mom's flight so she will be visiting us this Spring for a few weeks. I am really looking forward to seeing her, and the kids are incredibly excited. GRANDMA TIME!!!!
Now to deal with this pimple. (I think it has its own postal code.)

Yesterday I was really proud of myself. I got through the day with only one bout of crying. yeah I was somewhat suicidal but I got through the day and I got things done.
I went to my GP this morning and said, "Help!" At first she asked if I had tried CBT and I laughed and explained that I use it A LOT, and I am white-knuckling it during those days when I am using it like mad. I explained in detail how long I have been tracking these mood swings, when they show up, how they manifest, and why I don't need an SSRI, but something to help with regulating my hormones. So we are beginning with some good old fashioned birth control pills. It is a combined pill -which is much more likely to help with the wicked PMDD. She said, "if it doesn't work come back immediately and we will try something else. And hey if you want to skip a period you can do that. Go right to the next pack."

Then I went and ate a meat pie. I kept me full most of the day. I made tacos and then we had pancakes (American style ones, and crepe ones.) with loads of toppings on offer. I was still feeling rather raw today but again I got things done. I cleaned out the fish tank, I did laundry, I tidied here and there, and began working on another story.

We got a call today that Senor Onion had fallen over at school and ate the asphalt. They said his injuries weren't super bad but they felt like it should be my call to take him to the minor injuries unit. I went and had a look at him and he was a mess. His poor beautiful face. He had bumped into another kid, and fell RIGHT on his face. His nose was bloody and bruised, his lip was busted, his hands and knees were bloody. It was a sight. Nothing appeared to be broken, there were not any obvious signs of concussion, and his nose had stopped bleeding. I took him home, gave him some ibuprofen, bundled him on the sofa, and we watched a tv show together. He will likely end up with a black eye or two, and the lip swelling has gone down. Thankfully his face is still pretty. It was nice to have a bit of cuddle time with him.

Then??? I had parent teacher consults this afternoon. Those are always stressful for me. "How have I messed up my children this time???" But they went pretty well. Senor Onion remains a smarty marty when it comes to math, reading, science, and most subjects. (This kid is soooooooooooo damn gooooood at math is really leaves me in awe. Math was such an anxious subject for me and for him it seems so easy. His teacher did say that he HATES it when he gets the rare question wrong. It just makes him go a little mad. He wants to be absolutely perfect. I do not know where that comes from.) He is a bit... unenthusiastic when it comes to writing. He does the bare minimum. And I get that. When he is passionate/interested in a subject he gives it his total energy and devotion. He is getting better at handling some of his emotions. (he has been working with an aide in this one program and I have noticed a massive difference in how he relates to people, and his observations about what is going on with other people. He really pays attention.) His teacher seems to like him a lot. I will be sorry to see her go.

Miss Biscuit is a sponge for knowledge. The teacher remarked that Miss Biscuit always has perfect punctuation and spelling in her writing. Somehow Miss Biscuit knows how to do all this stuff that they haven't even taught her to do yet. My guess (and the teacher agreed with me) was that Miss Biscuit does a huge amount of reading, and has absorbed a lot of information. (this is the same kid who taught herself to read, and it took me awhile to notice it. "Oh...yeah... look at what you can do.") They are doing a lot to help keep Miss Biscuit challenged. The teacher also said that while Miss Biscuit is a really clever kid, she does day dream, and then ends up missing directions. When that kid is on, she is ON. She is super enthusiastic about science, math, and telling/writing stories.

This was a bit of good news.

Today I felt the beginning of that slow descent into depression/weirdness that comes every month. It was kind of a blech feeling to realize it, but I am also kind of calm because I know what is going on, and I am going to the doctor on Tuesday and I know how to advocate for myself and get what I need.
It was just a bit hard around 5:30 because the light was a certain way and it was windy and since I was a child, there has been something about that combination of things that makes me feel squirrely. Even in a room full of people it can make me feel absolutely alone. I focused on making toad in the hole (it has been awhile since I have made that) and carefully slicing vegetables and all those other inane details. It doesn't quite get me out of my head but it is a direction.

I just have to tell myself when I don't feel like doing anything, that I have to do those basic things. I have to get out of bed, get dressed, brushed my teeth, eat something, tend to my children, talk to my husband, and so on and so forth. My reward is a hot bath at the end of the day.

I edited/expanded a short story I wrote awhile ago and tossed onto the pile. I feel kind of good about it. It is just a matter of figuring out what to do with it.

She was taking Dan Savage's advice about being good, giving, and game, but she found the insides of pumpkins to be really gross. Still, she loved Peter that pumpkin eater.

I am having a weird time mentally this week. Where every conversation I have feels not quite right. I suspect much of it is my PMDD that has gotten way weirder over the past year. I finally made an appointment to see a doctor about trying some form of birth control or something to even out this situation. Essentially I am fine most of the time but RIGHT before my period shows up, my hormones go so crazy that I essentially go crazy. It used to be a few days before, I would find myself kinda irritated by everyone, and I would want to eat a bag of chips. (I would then think, "oh yeah, about that time. And I would chill out and eat that bag of chips.) Easy-peasy. Now I feel this sudden drop in my emotional state (it almost feels like the room goes cold physically) and I will feel genuinely suicidal. Like REALLY suicidal. (awhile back I was about five minutes away from hanging myself because I felt like my existence was ruining everyone's life. And then the next day I was fine.) I stay safe. I work through those feelings and remind myself it isn't real, I just have to hang tight until my uterus catches up. And I feel so worthless and down-right paranoid thinking everyone hates me or thinks I am terrible in some fashion. It becomes this spiral of emotions and reactions. I become afraid of offending everyone, and if I do in the slightest I am scrambling like made to fix it. "oh no they hate me, I have fucked up royally again." (I already spend a good portion of my life trying not to hurt anyone's feelings. I aim to give the impression that I am find with most things, and that nothing bothers me. That's right, I want to be everyone's totally fine acquaintance and nothing more.)
The closest sensation I can compare it to is when I was breastfeeding and I had D-mer. (which is this weird reflex, where just prior to my milk releasing I would have this massive drop in dopamine and I would feel horribly depressed for a few minutes, along with this sick feeling in my stomach. It would go away, but it was always an odd feeling.)

I am making that step to get help for this. But if I am weird now and then, it is because I am trying to manage completely out of whack hormones and serotonin levels that have nose-dived.

Now to inhale a bag of ruffles, and hide under blankets. And stop irritating me people. Some of you are getting on my very last nerve. Except for you over there. You may stay. But only if you are quiet. No you may not have my crisps.

I am scared but I am also filled with hope. All those people showing up and saying, "NO!" This is how you fight someone like that neglected tuber. You keep saying NO. You don't ask to sit down and have a civilized debate. You keep showing up and saying NO.
KEEP DOING IT EVERYONE!
He will try to scare everyone but fuck that. Keep saying no.

Senor Onion was telling me how when he and his friend went off to the park at the weekend, they kept running across dead pheasants. The first one was do big deal. He said that by the time they saw the third one they said, "What is their problem? Are they really that stupid?"
Yes... Yes they are son.
Then they watched as someone in a van stopped to pick up one.
Free dinner is free dinner. Especially when it is fresh.

My life right now: tangling with nazis and assorted fascists. I don't exactly seek them out but you know how it goes, being a woman online, speaking my opinions and they show up telling me to kill myself, or how they want to rape me, or whatever unoriginal nonsense they can come up with. I find that by taking a surreal approach to the conversation or just plain changing the subject really throws them. They don't know what to do with someone talking about cake, or elves dreaming and how we are part of their dreaming lives and we must not wake them.
Sometimes all you can do is drag them into a circus of absurdity to deflate them. I upset one man so much that he ended up blocking me. This was after he jumped into my mentions to tell me how terrible I was for being a liberal.
I never quite envisioned my late thirties being like this.
I suppose the upside is that I don't have time to have some kind of white lady existential eat pray fart crisis. I have to help save the human race, and my home country. (probably makes for a better story down the road.)

One has kids, and goes through a period of existence where you have a pretty good idea about what your child knows, and where they are receiving their education. (First from you the parent, then later school, and from assorted media. But you are pretty aware of what they are learning.) And then one day your son surprises you with assorted things he knows, and you have no idea how he knows such things. It is strange and wonderful. Yesterday at dinner Mr. Jenner was talking a bit about letters that aren't commonly used/exist so much in the modern English alphabet. Suddenly Senor Onion mentions, "Oh yeah, you mean like Thorn." And I was a little thrown, "how do you know about that?" "Oh I read it somewhere."
Then this morning he and I were playing our geography game. It was a game born out of trying to lessen his grumpy behavior on the drive to school. I would announce, "We aren't going to school today. We are going to... somewhere far off in the world." And it has always drawn him out of a bad mood. And we might talk about what something is like in that particular place, or facts I might know about the place. (Yes, it is serious geography nerd times.) Miss Biscuit always wants to go to somewhere warm. She told us to drop her off in Mexico. Senor Onion suggested Canada today. We were talking a bit about how varied the weather is. I mentioned Prince Edward Island and he said, "Oh that place has this sand that makes odd noises when you walk on it. Singing Sand." And again there was something I didn't realize he knew about. (and I didn't know that Prince Edward Island had singing sand.) I asked him how he knew about that. "I watched this video about it. I like looking up stuff about geography."
I was just so tickled that how alive his natural curiosity is. I don't want it to ever be squashed. (sometimes school can push it down a bit.)
Quiet Senor Onion who likes the things he likes but still likes to surprise me.