the state of it all

I am not exactly sure how to ease back into society as those in Jane Austen's day might have said. I am kind of in a state of stasis for a variety of reasons. Maybe stasis isn't the right word. Though maybe it is. We will decide later.
I openly admit I am kind of busy battling a generalized sense of anxiety. It is just the normal run of the mill "hey y'all the various hormone levels are changing after having a baby" nonsense. This time around it is a bit more present. BUT I am handling it and appropriately addressing it. The hair loss doesn't help things at times but it will pass. (OMG pregnant ladies -the hair loss post-partum is soooo awesome.) Right so there is the anxiety I deal with and I am getting a much better handle on day by day. The low point was probably having a panic attack one night while making dinner because I contemplated my own mortality. I don't suggest doing this while making lentils. The lentils turned out fine, it just ruins the whole enjoyment one gets out of cooking dinner because you are busy trying to breathe and not vomit all over everything. Great. now people will think lentils = vomit.

Then there is the fact that I have this baby who is teething. Even when she isn't teething she doesn't have much patience for the rest of the human race. She is what the various parenting experts call a crying increaser. The more stressed she becomes the more she cries. It isn't like those lovely children you hear about who fuss a bit before they sleep but then they settle down. Nope. She puts up with Mr. Jenner for a short period before completely losing her cool. It isn't like Mr. Jenner is an amateur. He dealt with the notorious Senor Onion. He is good with babies and other small creatures. To be all hippie cruncher sauce with a side of almond milk for a moment; Miss Biscuit is kind of a high needs baby. I am cool with that for the most part. After all I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for this Motherhood gig. Well actually that is a lie. No one really knows what they are getting in to. You have the technical idea and you have theories but once you are in there -oh sweet lord. Up is down. Black is white. You thought you would parent one way and then you parent another. THEORY. *snorts* Theory is great for a paper or some talk at a conference where people wear name-tags and trade business cards. Theory on occasion will go out for a pack of cigarettes at three am and never return. Leaving you to raise that baby. Stupid theory. Theory never did the dishes either.
So yeah. I have this little monkey who clings to me. Cheerful as the day is long (though that not might be a great description at this time of year when it is still dark) and a real delight. She nurses well, likes to try and grab my dinner and enjoys the works of Rodgers & Hammerstein. (her personal favorite is Edelweiss.) I think she is pretty funny. I am cheap that way. She is though a difficult creature for many others.
She doesn't take a bottle all that well. You try and offer it to her and she will act like you offered her domestic caviar vs. fancy-pants stuff from the Caspian Sea. YES we all know that domestic caviar is perfectly lovely and of a very good quality but somehow it isn't the same for Princess Pants. "What is this? Do I look like a mongrel that belongs to a servant???? And just who are you anyway? WHERE is my Mother????" And it all goes down hill from there.

I do go out now and then. Sans the entourage even. It is just that right now I am consumed with a slight sense of guilt when I am gone for very long. It doesn't make one terribly thrilled to go out when you come home to, "yeah she cried most of the time." It isn't that I don't trust people (or my husband) to tend to Miss Biscuit I am still trying to work out the emotional balance of, "yes I know I need to escape Mummy-land now and then" and "Christ... I gotta handle this. This is my job. My responsibility." YES PEOPLE I FUCKING KNOW that is just isn't my responsibility. (those comments bore the tits off of me. Just so you know.) I obviously share this responsibility with Mr. Jenner. He does do a great deal to help me. He is often the one to say, "calm down. I can handle some of this." He is a real prize. He is good at dealing with me: a person who loves having control over things and the world. I know I know I can't control things and the world all of the time. Trust me I am better about this than I used to be.

Anyhow.. working through all of it. Took awhile to write this post. Went out and did some grocery shopping, got Miss Biscuit's passport photos taken, helped Mr. Jenner get some new shoes and whatever. Senor Onion was an absolute peach. We even went out for burgers and a shake. Boysenberry y'all. It was quality.