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I've been wrestling with this thing for awhile. I couldn't quite put words to it. Or at least explain it in a rational way. I am not quite sure I could now. The past year-ish? I have been feeling a sort of lack of confidence about how I look. I am not saying I have always thought, "Yeah, I am hot stuff." but I had a pretty defined sense about what worked for me, what didn't. Years ago I pulled myself out of the eating disorder trenches and more or less accepted that I was never going to be a size 2, 4, 6, or even 8. And for the most part I was okay with it. Not exactly thrilled but I thought "let's try and work with what we have here." (and sure I had plenty of low moments, like when looking at clothes or trying on bathing suits, but most women kind of have that ish going on. But for the most part I knew what I liked and fit well.)
I figured out where I might fit in, with the wack-a-doo cultural expectations put upon women (and man that is ever a hard one to reconcile when in theory you should not give a single fuck what the world expects you to be/look like, but you still sorta participate in it.) and went with it.
Now? I feel sort of frumpy/bumpy and never quite sure what to wear. And it doesn't help that I've noticed lines that have showed up on my forehead in the past few months. Oh that drives me crazy. And I feel kind of ashamed that I think to myself a little bit, "botox? Maybe? Just a little?"
I could even overlook that but it is the clothes thing, and my stupid body. Is it passing youth? I dunno. And suddenly for the first time in a million and one years I think, "why am I not thinner? I bet if I went on some kind of diet (that won't work because diets don't work.) I could lose a whole bunch of weight and maybe everything would be better.
Maybe it is the first signs of aging? I am in better shape in many ways than I used to be. I flipping go running several times a week, and I am doing a bit of strength training, and minor yoga like some jerk. I don't really drink. I make sure there is serum and stuff on my face. I don't have any grey hair yet. But I find myself consumed with these dumb thoughts of, "lose weight. You could be better. Those lines on your forehead they make you look so old and unpleasant." Ugh. I need to tell myself to lighten the fuck up.
I was talking a bit about it with my sister, and how I feel like I have probably traded for a long time on my youth/looks, and now I don't feel as utterly sure. And I joked, "I am going to have to develop a well-rounded personality now." I don't mind some of the intellectual wisdom/confidence as one gets older, but I don't want my body falling apart on me. And I don't want to look all frumpy/bumpy and muttony. Dammit world, am I am going to have to rely on Elizabeth Taylor lighting or something? And there is also the shame of feeling this way, because I am a feminist and I shouldn't just be a body for everyone else. I should be what I want for me, and no one else alone. But could I be a feminist with a tiny little botox or an eye-lift to look less tired. And hey would someone also fix my skin to make it prettier and brighter and less whatever the fuck it is doing right now? Yeah, then I could be a well-rounded woman who wants to be known for her opinions. And why doesn't that skirt look as good as it should in my head? Elizabeth Taylor lighting it is.
I figured out where I might fit in, with the wack-a-doo cultural expectations put upon women (and man that is ever a hard one to reconcile when in theory you should not give a single fuck what the world expects you to be/look like, but you still sorta participate in it.) and went with it.
Now? I feel sort of frumpy/bumpy and never quite sure what to wear. And it doesn't help that I've noticed lines that have showed up on my forehead in the past few months. Oh that drives me crazy. And I feel kind of ashamed that I think to myself a little bit, "botox? Maybe? Just a little?"
I could even overlook that but it is the clothes thing, and my stupid body. Is it passing youth? I dunno. And suddenly for the first time in a million and one years I think, "why am I not thinner? I bet if I went on some kind of diet (that won't work because diets don't work.) I could lose a whole bunch of weight and maybe everything would be better.
Maybe it is the first signs of aging? I am in better shape in many ways than I used to be. I flipping go running several times a week, and I am doing a bit of strength training, and minor yoga like some jerk. I don't really drink. I make sure there is serum and stuff on my face. I don't have any grey hair yet. But I find myself consumed with these dumb thoughts of, "lose weight. You could be better. Those lines on your forehead they make you look so old and unpleasant." Ugh. I need to tell myself to lighten the fuck up.
I was talking a bit about it with my sister, and how I feel like I have probably traded for a long time on my youth/looks, and now I don't feel as utterly sure. And I joked, "I am going to have to develop a well-rounded personality now." I don't mind some of the intellectual wisdom/confidence as one gets older, but I don't want my body falling apart on me. And I don't want to look all frumpy/bumpy and muttony. Dammit world, am I am going to have to rely on Elizabeth Taylor lighting or something? And there is also the shame of feeling this way, because I am a feminist and I shouldn't just be a body for everyone else. I should be what I want for me, and no one else alone. But could I be a feminist with a tiny little botox or an eye-lift to look less tired. And hey would someone also fix my skin to make it prettier and brighter and less whatever the fuck it is doing right now? Yeah, then I could be a well-rounded woman who wants to be known for her opinions. And why doesn't that skirt look as good as it should in my head? Elizabeth Taylor lighting it is.
