Feb. 6th, 2017

gfrancie: (sasek)
I am having a weird time mentally this week. Where every conversation I have feels not quite right. I suspect much of it is my PMDD that has gotten way weirder over the past year. I finally made an appointment to see a doctor about trying some form of birth control or something to even out this situation. Essentially I am fine most of the time but RIGHT before my period shows up, my hormones go so crazy that I essentially go crazy. It used to be a few days before, I would find myself kinda irritated by everyone, and I would want to eat a bag of chips. (I would then think, "oh yeah, about that time. And I would chill out and eat that bag of chips.) Easy-peasy. Now I feel this sudden drop in my emotional state (it almost feels like the room goes cold physically) and I will feel genuinely suicidal. Like REALLY suicidal. (awhile back I was about five minutes away from hanging myself because I felt like my existence was ruining everyone's life. And then the next day I was fine.) I stay safe. I work through those feelings and remind myself it isn't real, I just have to hang tight until my uterus catches up. And I feel so worthless and down-right paranoid thinking everyone hates me or thinks I am terrible in some fashion. It becomes this spiral of emotions and reactions. I become afraid of offending everyone, and if I do in the slightest I am scrambling like made to fix it. "oh no they hate me, I have fucked up royally again." (I already spend a good portion of my life trying not to hurt anyone's feelings. I aim to give the impression that I am find with most things, and that nothing bothers me. That's right, I want to be everyone's totally fine acquaintance and nothing more.)
The closest sensation I can compare it to is when I was breastfeeding and I had D-mer. (which is this weird reflex, where just prior to my milk releasing I would have this massive drop in dopamine and I would feel horribly depressed for a few minutes, along with this sick feeling in my stomach. It would go away, but it was always an odd feeling.)

I am making that step to get help for this. But if I am weird now and then, it is because I am trying to manage completely out of whack hormones and serotonin levels that have nose-dived.

Now to inhale a bag of ruffles, and hide under blankets. And stop irritating me people. Some of you are getting on my very last nerve. Except for you over there. You may stay. But only if you are quiet. No you may not have my crisps.


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