Pontifications on a Monday

[gfrancie]

I read an article in Newsweek recently where the author wrote about "bored to death with talking, hearing and reading about motherhood." Specifically the so-called declarations of what kind of Mother someone might be. The Alpha Mommies, rock star mummies, Mommy wars. All the clever labels and the sub-genre of chick-lit devoted to the excruciating details of being a Mother. She was mostly addressing those in the upper-middle class bracket who might beat their breast justifying whatever choices they make.
I found the article rather refreshing. I even shared it with a friend who liked it too. I sometimes think some choices a person makes as a parent have become politicized. If you do or don't do something well you are a complete and utter failure and let's judge you in a vicious tone. (Take a look at any number of message boards about parenting and you will see the nasty comments) There is also the resentment that some have for the lack of attention/time on them now that they are caring for someone small. Maybe that is why there is this devotion to labels and groups.
Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." I definitely think that can be true about being a parent. As someone said it is the most selfish and selfless thing you can do. A baby/small child will consume much of your time but it really is such a brief period of your life. So you may not do what you did before you were a parent and for awhile you can't devote all of your energy to your interests because you must keep a close eye on your child so they can not demonstrate how far their death wish goes. It isn't forever and really you can't wallow in resentment and irritation. It is futile.
It is funny that I say this because I have always been a control freak and strangely it hasn't been terribly difficult to be zen about being a Mom and letting go for awhile. I do have to be a bit hyper-aware now that he is mobile and I have to anticipate his actions. (Keeping dangerous things out of his reach, knowing that sometimes I don't get to do what I want because for now many of his needs are ahead of mine and I just plain have to watch him every single minute he is in my care and awake roaming about.) I don't get all that much done but I have this luxury in spending this time with him. For now I don't see what the latest movie is in the theaters and I haven't had much time to go out to some fun restaurant and some of my interests are on pause for the moment but that is okay. My son is happy, deeply loved, safe and I get to know all about him. I get to watch him grow.
There are days that aren't so glam and I might feel tired but I truly enjoy being a Mother.
As for the choices a parent makes, who gives a damn about the labels and the parenting styles. A parent does what they can with what they have. Every situation is individual and if what you do provides a safe and loving environment for your kid then it is a success. The parenting dogma is boring as hell. It's right up there with diets, money and who you voted for in the last election. All are too personal for the dinner table.

Comments

[rebeccmeister.livejournal.com]

Awwwww, you are such a good mom, and this entry explains why. The thing is, I find motherhood most interesting when it's people that I know who are the mothers and they aren't trying to be anything other than themselves. The others? I have one word for them. Posers.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That is incredibly kind of you to say that.
But you are right. Posers galore.

[urlgirl.livejournal.com]

I have found that those who beat their chest about Motherhood loudest tend to have been over-achievers at something else, before baby came along, and are now having identity issues. I can totally empathize. But at the same time, there's only so much of that sort of thing I can take.

You're right. You do your best with what you have. Every once in a while when you do a particularly smart thing, you like to crow about it. Other times you might do something so utterly stupid you just want to hide it under the bed and never think about it again. Fine, too!

You're doing great. It's hard work, and not for the most obvious reasons, either. But it's also really cool. And it's all yours to think of and do with whatever you feel is best :-)

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I think you may be right. I recently read a column in a newspaper where a woman was taking that tone. More than anything I got the impression that she had always accomplished most challenges with ease and she had an idea of what Motherhood might be and the reality of the situation was difficult and she wasn't exactly happy with how things turned out. So in turn she handed off the entire task to someone else and spent the rest of the article justifying all of it. She could have just said, "hey I am not that kind of a Mother." Instead she thought anyone who did something the traditional way was a sucker or something.

There is something pleasing some days about what I am doing. Other days I think, "oh boy I hope he doesn't end up on a clock tower picking people off because he fell off the bed twice in one week." heh

[rockrgirl8.livejournal.com]

your son is happy and deeply loved and he is such a fortunate child to have such incredible parents!

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

This means a lot to hear that from someone else. Thank you.

[madame-mage.livejournal.com]

awwww good for you! Your son is lucky to have a doting mother who places her son's needs ahead of her own! I can tell you watch and note his progress. JUST wait till he forms opinions of his own! I can see the both of you taking juice and tea breaks and talking about world affairs, flowers and clowns..

My way of raising Boi was to just understand that in spite of everything we say and do, there is always a measure of respect regardless of who's pissed off in the moment...or who is enjoying a laugh. I raised my son to be a Man, because I think when I was your age (god how old does THAT SOUND??) I was appalled at 20-40 something year old men and women going back home for the holidays, or when ever..and being treated like little kids and emotionally crippled by their parents...."She" would always be Daddy's little girl, or he would be momma's little boy... Something about that concept offend the hell out of me..as if keeping then in an infantile state was somehow a good thing..

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Oh man.... If he is uppity like me there will be some interesting discussions later on down the road.
Yeah I want to raise someone with compassion, a sense of ethics and responsibility and not afraid to stand on their own two feet.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

I think you're great.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

awww shucks. You are pretty darn neat yourself.

[solar-diablo.livejournal.com]

Wait until the boy gets into school, and you get repeated, first-hand exposure to the Supermom - she'll be at every PTA meeting, fundraiser, board meeting, and concert. She'll remind you daily that her children scored in the top nth percentile in testing, beauty, athletics, courtesy and demigod-ery. Plus she'll have the dirt on every other family in the school (some true, and some she just assumes/makes up to add spice).

I long for a return of the witch trials ala Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail every time I attend a school function.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

If I survived the junior high lockerroom than I can hack supermoms. I have several years of high-end retail work under my belt so I know these women better than anyone else. I know their weak spots and fragile points. I could take them down in under a minute.
But I don't. I am kind and gentle and can add just a touch of condescending sympathy and snark if they get too uppity.
"Yes it is difficult that your little Othello is so smart that teachers don't know what to do with him. That is often the case with children who eat glue on field trips isn't it?"

[nc-bookworm.livejournal.com]

Totally and completely OT---I watched Formula 51 tonight per your recommendation. Hee. Two of my favorite things: Samuel L. Jackson and Brits. Who could ask for anything more?

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Is it not the most insanely awesome thing? I laughed so hard I nearly passed out. The beginning alone is worth it. Ah Hell yeah. I could watch that again and again.

[nc-bookworm.livejournal.com]

The chase scene where they talk about "bollocks"? Hilarious. I think I'll have to start saying "chicken bollocks."

I called that the formula didn't do anything early in the film.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

hee.
Plus Emily Mortimer was supremely bad-ass.

[nc-bookworm.livejournal.com]

I know! When she was standing next to the motorcycle with her hair blowing everywhere, I kept thinking, "Hmmm, maybe I need to get bangs again..."

[artemis-moon.livejournal.com]

I never read too much about motherhood. I browsed short articles more than anything else.
I still hear comments and make comments to myself about parenting, though. I don't think that will ever end.
Your child is getting what he really needs from you. I spent many years as a stay-at-home mom and didn't try to finish college until my last child was about 6 yrs old. When I struggle with school now and wish I had gone to school earlier on, I have to remind myself that I was a parent who was THERE and was bonding with my child. It was time well spent.
Now I balance my education and time with my kiddos, and it isn't easy. But I think what you are doing is tremendous toward his well-being and ultimate happiness.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

It seems like it is one long balancing act. Sometimes there is applause and sometimes I fall into the net.