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gfrancieIt seems like the internet is in a grumpy mood today. I think everyone needs to go and take a time-out, have a cookie or something and re-group. Maybe watch a little Thomas the Tank Engine to chill out. (seems to work for my kid) Sometimes I wish I could hand out my good mood to someone else. "Here borrow this awhile, see how you like it."
Today I have baked bread, made a banana bread recipe from a booklet that talks about rationing and sugar substitutes. (WWII era booklet) I also read a lot about the history of bananas. I think it may end up being useful for a post on my food LJ. I am also sorting out things for a cheese-making project and prepping to make pate at some point next weekend.
I have been turning over something in my head all weekend after a conversation with my Mother. It is one of those complicated subjects that a lot of people will have a knee-jerk response to for a variety of reasons. She was telling me about a priest from my home-town parish who ran things for the first half of my childhood. He was a very sweet man, very inspiring and charismatic. In many ways he was instrumental in my Mother's conversion to the Catholic faith. I remember as a child how much I liked him and how very comfortable I felt around him as I felt shy around many adults when I was a small child. (I was even shy around my own grandparents at times. I would be so overwhelmed that I would have to go and hide.) Eventually he was transferred to another parish and every so often he would visit and everyone would be happy to see him. I recall a sermon of his that I have always liked about the dangers of bigotry and hatred. He would cite the song, "You've Got to be Taught" from the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, South Pacific. And how the lyrics mention that you are taught as a child to be hateful and dis-trustful of different people. Very much about love thy neighbor. Well it came out a number of years ago that an adult woman accused him of inappropriate behavior with her when she was a teenager. Initially he said that he had given her a hug and she must have thought it meant something else. (it happened in the 50s or 60s I believe) Apparently it has now come out that there were a great deal more women who have come forward. Apparently this priest had a thing for teenaged girls and it included girls from my own parish. I was too young to be of "interest", but I do think of girls from the parish who may have baby-sat me and how their experiences differed entirely. It is bewildering more than anything else at the moment. On one end of things I empathize completely with the victims. It must have been very scary and emotionally it really can wreck you inside when you are in that situation. Here is someone who has completely violated your sense of trust and safety. And many probably kept it a secret for years because of the shame. I do wonder now if he was transferred because someone thankfully spoke up. And when the predator was someone in a position of power/admiration it can really throw things for a loop because you worry about how others might look at you as well.
And the other side of things is knowing the predator as one person and finding out they are someone else at the same time. Did I even know this person at all? It is hard because I know him mostly from my perspective as a child. This very loving and kind individual -who obviously had more demons than I could ever have imagined.
The other very difficult part is how he is part of a system that did very little to protect the people they were there to serve. It touches on a complicated subject. I hope anyone who comments on this has the... sense not to just knock the entire faith. Especially if you are an outsider. I don't have a lot of patience for all-out bigotry. If religion ain't your bag, that is fine. No need to rag on others about it. (pretty much if you are anti-religion, I would suggest that maybe not commenting is within the best interest of common sense.) I don't really talk about this much here for so many reasons. Since all the accusations and cases of wide-spread sexual abuse by some people in the church I have had kind of a crisis of faith. Only instead of finding out this one person did awful things -many people allowed it to happen, and you don't quite know what to think anymore. I like say, "I don't really have a beef with God, but I sure do with some of his fans." It is very hard at times when you lose the natural easy faith you had as a child. Where everything felt obvious and safe. And in many ways I still love my faith. I am just so angry that some of these people let so many people be hurt. What I find very very hard to do is forgive. I said to my Mom that I could forgive much if all those people in the Vatican, all those dioceses and bishops and everyone who had a hand and knew what the hell was going on -if they would all openly admit that they knew what they knew. That they felt remorse. That they openly admit what they did was so horribly wrong and beg for forgiveness. And my Mom said that is the hardest side of forgiving. Forgiving someone who doesn't believe they did anything wrong at all. It does inspire a great anger in me. I haven't been to communion in a number of years because of it. And in some ways I can't just leave the faith. It is kind of like cutting off communication with your entire family. Instead for now I just don't go to the "family dinner" as it were of my faith. I want to apologize to every person who was ever hurt by someone in the clergy. While I may not have known about any bad priests, I am so very very sorry that people representing this faith hurt you in so many ways.
I suppose because I understand the journey a victim can go through because of abuse, I sort of take on the anger they must feel -and that is why I feel so much anger at the faith. Empathy over-blown. hah. Even I have to make time to forgive my abuser on occasion. It crops up now and then. I sort of have to emotionally pause and take the time to deal with it. Which really pisses me off now and then. But it ends up being healthier for me and others. Much of it is about taking the conscious step to love yourself and treat yourself with gentleness.
I hope to find some peace regarding all of this one day. So for now I turn it over in my head and think long and hard about it. And think a lot about forgiveness and how to make it feasible.
Forgiveness isn't one of those things that is a done deal where you put it in a box and put it up on a shelf in a closet and forget all about it -though many other cultures subscribe to that view. It is definitely an active part of one's existence if it is going to really work for your soul in the long term. I just don't think I am there yet.
Today I have baked bread, made a banana bread recipe from a booklet that talks about rationing and sugar substitutes. (WWII era booklet) I also read a lot about the history of bananas. I think it may end up being useful for a post on my food LJ. I am also sorting out things for a cheese-making project and prepping to make pate at some point next weekend.
I have been turning over something in my head all weekend after a conversation with my Mother. It is one of those complicated subjects that a lot of people will have a knee-jerk response to for a variety of reasons. She was telling me about a priest from my home-town parish who ran things for the first half of my childhood. He was a very sweet man, very inspiring and charismatic. In many ways he was instrumental in my Mother's conversion to the Catholic faith. I remember as a child how much I liked him and how very comfortable I felt around him as I felt shy around many adults when I was a small child. (I was even shy around my own grandparents at times. I would be so overwhelmed that I would have to go and hide.) Eventually he was transferred to another parish and every so often he would visit and everyone would be happy to see him. I recall a sermon of his that I have always liked about the dangers of bigotry and hatred. He would cite the song, "You've Got to be Taught" from the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, South Pacific. And how the lyrics mention that you are taught as a child to be hateful and dis-trustful of different people. Very much about love thy neighbor. Well it came out a number of years ago that an adult woman accused him of inappropriate behavior with her when she was a teenager. Initially he said that he had given her a hug and she must have thought it meant something else. (it happened in the 50s or 60s I believe) Apparently it has now come out that there were a great deal more women who have come forward. Apparently this priest had a thing for teenaged girls and it included girls from my own parish. I was too young to be of "interest", but I do think of girls from the parish who may have baby-sat me and how their experiences differed entirely. It is bewildering more than anything else at the moment. On one end of things I empathize completely with the victims. It must have been very scary and emotionally it really can wreck you inside when you are in that situation. Here is someone who has completely violated your sense of trust and safety. And many probably kept it a secret for years because of the shame. I do wonder now if he was transferred because someone thankfully spoke up. And when the predator was someone in a position of power/admiration it can really throw things for a loop because you worry about how others might look at you as well.
And the other side of things is knowing the predator as one person and finding out they are someone else at the same time. Did I even know this person at all? It is hard because I know him mostly from my perspective as a child. This very loving and kind individual -who obviously had more demons than I could ever have imagined.
The other very difficult part is how he is part of a system that did very little to protect the people they were there to serve. It touches on a complicated subject. I hope anyone who comments on this has the... sense not to just knock the entire faith. Especially if you are an outsider. I don't have a lot of patience for all-out bigotry. If religion ain't your bag, that is fine. No need to rag on others about it. (pretty much if you are anti-religion, I would suggest that maybe not commenting is within the best interest of common sense.) I don't really talk about this much here for so many reasons. Since all the accusations and cases of wide-spread sexual abuse by some people in the church I have had kind of a crisis of faith. Only instead of finding out this one person did awful things -many people allowed it to happen, and you don't quite know what to think anymore. I like say, "I don't really have a beef with God, but I sure do with some of his fans." It is very hard at times when you lose the natural easy faith you had as a child. Where everything felt obvious and safe. And in many ways I still love my faith. I am just so angry that some of these people let so many people be hurt. What I find very very hard to do is forgive. I said to my Mom that I could forgive much if all those people in the Vatican, all those dioceses and bishops and everyone who had a hand and knew what the hell was going on -if they would all openly admit that they knew what they knew. That they felt remorse. That they openly admit what they did was so horribly wrong and beg for forgiveness. And my Mom said that is the hardest side of forgiving. Forgiving someone who doesn't believe they did anything wrong at all. It does inspire a great anger in me. I haven't been to communion in a number of years because of it. And in some ways I can't just leave the faith. It is kind of like cutting off communication with your entire family. Instead for now I just don't go to the "family dinner" as it were of my faith. I want to apologize to every person who was ever hurt by someone in the clergy. While I may not have known about any bad priests, I am so very very sorry that people representing this faith hurt you in so many ways.
I suppose because I understand the journey a victim can go through because of abuse, I sort of take on the anger they must feel -and that is why I feel so much anger at the faith. Empathy over-blown. hah. Even I have to make time to forgive my abuser on occasion. It crops up now and then. I sort of have to emotionally pause and take the time to deal with it. Which really pisses me off now and then. But it ends up being healthier for me and others. Much of it is about taking the conscious step to love yourself and treat yourself with gentleness.
I hope to find some peace regarding all of this one day. So for now I turn it over in my head and think long and hard about it. And think a lot about forgiveness and how to make it feasible.
Forgiveness isn't one of those things that is a done deal where you put it in a box and put it up on a shelf in a closet and forget all about it -though many other cultures subscribe to that view. It is definitely an active part of one's existence if it is going to really work for your soul in the long term. I just don't think I am there yet.
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vague and yet not
Date: 2009-04-20 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 08:34 pm (UTC)It's funny. I can't NOT be Catholic: my worldview is very Catholic, a liberal Catholic, but Catholic nonetheless.
I have the anger and betrayal about the sexual abuse scandal along with the feeling that the hierarchy of the church doesn't really want me to be a part of it.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 08:40 pm (UTC)I contemplate other faiths but in many ways I am so very much a super liberal Catholic. I was steeped in liberation theology and all that jazz.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 11:15 pm (UTC)It's part of the reason. My life (like most people's, I think) is full of contradictions, and it just seems appropriate. Plus it's a fun word. It sounds like an insult but isn't.
Re; Catholicism
No, to many liberal Catholics, there is no issue. The problem is that there is a debate in the church and amongst its members right now about who is a "real" Catholic. And the more conservative of us, being the ones in power, want to dictate that more strongly.
In my family, that includes my mom and my brother and sometimes my sisters.
There are days when I wonder how I ever managed to get into Liberation Theology, given how conservatively Catholic my family tends to be.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 12:27 am (UTC)I am thinking of reading (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/12/books/review/Miles-t.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=catholic&st=nyt) this book because it seems to touch on some of these issues.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 09:21 pm (UTC)Sometimes forgiveness and moving forward requires you forgive without ever opening that door again. It means the vengeance and anger is gone from your heart, but you have to be strong and for your own safety not let predatory people anywhere near your life. Some people think forgiveness means things go back to pretending nothing happened. I don't agree with that. I'm very thankful that I had a childhood mostly free of abuse save for one incident which was mercifully when I was older (13) and with a person I didn't know before and not a family member, friend, or clergy, but I've seen the lifelong struggle first hand that can happen to a person who is a survivor of abuse and it is hard. Not just the pain, but the guilt.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-20 10:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 12:15 am (UTC)"Legal fees Da."
I immediately winced (being the apostate homo Canadian child), but he and Ma very quickly both said "that makes sense. It's just horrible isn't it?" We then had a microchat about abuse of power, enabling molesters, and then it was on to computers. Or sports.
My childhood with my Penguin Aunt (Mother General, Dorithian SJ) removed any illusions about persons with a calling. It also underscored to me how the male institutional church is so often at the root of this stuff: the white boys club. There's that great bit in "Doubt" where they cut between the convent and rectory dinners. Great as in accurate, rather than heartwarming.
Faiths and their institutions have to, on some level, be taken somewhat differently from one another. Because the people of the faith are often quite different from the "leadership." The all-too-often homophobia mysogynistic leadership.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 12:24 am (UTC)That is all of it.
It is the lack of transparency or genuine equality. Mind you I have always thought that if we had some married priests it might change some of the positions or ideas about what goes on between a married couple. In the 19th century there was more room/space to leave certain things to be sorted out by a married couple.
And always being a bit of a shit-stirrer I have often that too much power is dangerous.
I have been looking at this book I saw reviewed in the NYT about being a modern Catholic and the author views the pope as taking the faith to a fundamentalist place that it wasn't meant to be.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 04:15 am (UTC)The flip side, of course, is that other traditions seem either: 1.) loonie, or 2.) lame, after a Catlick upbringing.
at least we have evolution...