state of the brain
Sep. 25th, 2010 09:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gfrancieThe brain zaps and other things are easing off. I think the worst day was Wednesday when my brain was hurting, I had a sick kid and some other stresses going on. By the end of the day I was on edge and thought "weaning off these meds is awful." I was so tempted to just go back to full strength. I had a horrible headache. I sent myself to bed and had a good long sleep. Since then things have been okay. I feel a little off the first hour or so after taking my half-dose. Of course I will be dropping that dose in half soon so it might be a little crazy once again.
This morning I was going about my business and found myself winding myself up with some useless piece of anxiety. The sort of situation where I start fixating on some hypothetical situation/catastrophe and try and give myself a panic attack as I start worrying to pieces over something (that hasn't and likely won't happen) and just having a time of it. I was kind of proud of myself because I was able to pause and say, "Woah there cowgal. You are fixating. Time to pause. Time to let go." I then stop, take a few breaths and remind myself that things are all right. Yeah there is that lingering anxiety at the back of my head but I can tell that part of my brain to be quiet. Six months ago I couldn't have done that. I would have just gone from minor anxiety to panic attack in the space of a few minutes.
I accept that I will always be a slightly anxious person. I was an anxious child. It is part of my personality. In some ways it can be a gift. (I am trying to see the upside in this shit and look at how I can live with this part of myself) I am excellent at retaining all kinds of useless (and maybe semi-useful) information and I am good at planning certain things. My anxiety makes me amazing at planning a trip so that it is less anxious for me and others around me. I can plan a party pretty well and anticipate many things. That wound-up behavior is put to excellent use whenever there is a crisis. This is why family members call me when things go awry. I can take the energy and wield it in a useful way. So there is that. It is a matter of learning how to use those fixating talents so that I maintain control over the wiggier sides of things. Still with me? (pretty rambly eh?)
The zoloft has allowed me to pause and look at what is really going on, while allowing me to also function on a daily basis. I am grateful for that. It is kind of like being given a harness while learning some kind of gymnastic trick.
The other thing going on with my brain is how darn vivid the dreams are as I come off of this stuff. They aren't bad dreams just... intense. I could compete with Fellini for what goes on.
This morning I was going about my business and found myself winding myself up with some useless piece of anxiety. The sort of situation where I start fixating on some hypothetical situation/catastrophe and try and give myself a panic attack as I start worrying to pieces over something (that hasn't and likely won't happen) and just having a time of it. I was kind of proud of myself because I was able to pause and say, "Woah there cowgal. You are fixating. Time to pause. Time to let go." I then stop, take a few breaths and remind myself that things are all right. Yeah there is that lingering anxiety at the back of my head but I can tell that part of my brain to be quiet. Six months ago I couldn't have done that. I would have just gone from minor anxiety to panic attack in the space of a few minutes.
I accept that I will always be a slightly anxious person. I was an anxious child. It is part of my personality. In some ways it can be a gift. (I am trying to see the upside in this shit and look at how I can live with this part of myself) I am excellent at retaining all kinds of useless (and maybe semi-useful) information and I am good at planning certain things. My anxiety makes me amazing at planning a trip so that it is less anxious for me and others around me. I can plan a party pretty well and anticipate many things. That wound-up behavior is put to excellent use whenever there is a crisis. This is why family members call me when things go awry. I can take the energy and wield it in a useful way. So there is that. It is a matter of learning how to use those fixating talents so that I maintain control over the wiggier sides of things. Still with me? (pretty rambly eh?)
The zoloft has allowed me to pause and look at what is really going on, while allowing me to also function on a daily basis. I am grateful for that. It is kind of like being given a harness while learning some kind of gymnastic trick.
The other thing going on with my brain is how darn vivid the dreams are as I come off of this stuff. They aren't bad dreams just... intense. I could compete with Fellini for what goes on.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-26 08:45 am (UTC)One thing that was always helpful for me was to tell myself that it is just chemicals gone silly and nothing reflective of me as a person. It did not mean I was weak or deficient, just that I had a nervous system that was super reactive.
Your advantage is that you are growing up in an age where this disorder is recognized and there are drugs for it. This was not my case. I began having my first anxiety attacks in the 1980s and there was little out there to treat or even understand it. That was very scary for me...I really felt like I was the only person in the world who was experiencing these incredibly frightening, paralyzing episodes.
Now you've got people on TV with this! It's become so run of the mill!
no subject
Date: 2010-09-26 01:12 pm (UTC)How is Miss Biscuit sleeping these days? I wonder if more sleep = less anxious mommies. (I wouldn't be surprised.) I feel LOTS better when I have decent sleep, which is coming more often but still not enough.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-26 03:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-26 07:47 pm (UTC)Tapering off can be a bitch. I'm hoping for the best for you.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-27 01:15 am (UTC)