Trying to raise people

[gfrancie]

Yesterday in the car I had my nieces, and Miss Biscuit with me. (I had picked up the girls and we were on our way to a birthday party.) And they were being hams in the back and then I heard Miss Biscuit say/do something racist. It is something a number of children do. (but shouldn't do.) She obviously had no idea what it meant. I said, "Hey, Miss Biscuit, you really shouldn't do that. It hurts the feelings of many Asian people. It isn't very kind." She kinda flipped out and burst into tears and covered her face. So I had to quickly sort this WHILE driving on winding country roads. I told her, "Hey you aren't in trouble. You really aren't in trouble at all. You just didn't know. Remember you are seven years old and you are still learning about the world. You are seeing and hearing things that you may not always understand the full meaning of." I handed her a hankie.
I asked if she had seen/heard that on the playground at school -she had. I said, "yeah kids often repeat things in ignorance. But you are getting to learn more about kindness right now. So it is okay. We have to be kind. We have to consider how other people feel when we say and do things when it has to do with who they are. And we have to listen to them when they say something is hurtful. Just like we do at home."
One of her cousins said, "oh yeah. Someone did that thing at school and I. (this is a friend of the girls who was born in Thailand) said to them, 'I don't think you should do that.' and I. NEVER says anything like that to people, so it was good to know."
(see people, even seven and eight year olds can suss out things.)

I talked more with Miss Biscuit about it this morning. She was still terribly embarrassed about things. I had to repeat that she wasn't in trouble, that she just had her first experience with cultural ignorance. I explained why it was hurtful, and how some people have some really foolish ideas about how people look and what they think it means when people's bodies are different from others. (I referenced Peter Spier's People book which talks about how unique and different people are and how wonderful that is.) And that she was ahead of many adults (including that man who is the president elect) because she was capable of learning, and that she HAD learned something important, and that she will hopefully be a kinder person in the world. (something that man could never be.) She began to laugh at that. Then I told her, "If you see other people do that, you have a job to tell them that they are being hurtful and shouldn't do that. Sometimes part of kindness means being brave and telling people when they are hurtful to others."

Yes we live in a place where there aren't a lot of people who different from us. (though the Asian population is slowly growing around here which is pretty cool.) But I remember that I grew up where there were quite a few Asian people, and kids would still do that stupid thing with their eyes and saying, "Chinese, Japanese..." One of my childhood friends was Vietnamese-American (his dad ran a restaurant near the restaurant my father worked in, so we played together a lot. We would go and catch shrimp and have his dad fry it up, or we would get french fries from my dad.) and I have distinct memories (when I was about the same age as Miss Biscuit) of kids who were his friends doing that to him. I don't recall any adults saying, "Don't do that. That is dumb." And of course he really didn't say anything about it. So even when you live in a place that is a little more culturally diverse, kids will do dumb things. I still drag the kids to London so they can see that people are different and have wonderful beautiful lives and cultures that are incredibly valuable. "LOOK LOOK... SO MUCH AWESOMENESS!!!"
I hope it all pays off.

Comments

[land-girl.livejournal.com]

Your mothering is so much like my own mother's was. If and when you get to read the eulogy Dad wrote for her, you will see. Doing it right isn't easy, but I think it's still easier than not doing it right.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I am such an erratic mother. So lazy, and so tough.

[land-girl.livejournal.com]

I think that the best mothers are very laissez-faire - except in matters of morals and being kind to people. I'd say you had the balance right there,

[neptunia67.livejournal.com]

I think it will pay off. Thanks for being such an awesome parent. We need more like you!

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I mostly trying to not fuck shit up too much. My daily goal.

[sanpaku.livejournal.com]

Well done. The closest I have ever had with that was when Jo created an obnoxious cartoon character who was a "feminist." I asked her if she knew any feminists, and then I pointed at myself. Kids live in a fog of other people's ideas and you need to cut through the crap without making them feel bad about it. My parents definitely did that for me.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

That description, "Kids live in a fog of other people's ideas" is so appropriate. Miss Biscuit is such a different character from her brother and so it is interesting to see how things go for her. Mr. Jenner said, "So many things go right for Miss Biscuit, that when something is off, she is incredibly upset." Miss Biscuit leads such an easy life and the crowd is so often with her, that I think she needs to remember that the crowd is something to watch with skepticism. (Senor Onion on the other hand was born skeptical of all crowds.)

[sallysimpleton.livejournal.com]

I remember that rhyme. I remember a neighbor girl and I repeating that to her mom and her mom immediately responding, "cut that out." The mom was my piano teacher for 6 years and also ran a Montessori school. Cool lady. She grew up in Ohio, lived in Louisiana for 15 years, but lives in Guam now, and I am in touch with her.

I also remember the time at the piano when she said she was voting for Mondale because she liked the idea of a lady VP. This blew my mind, coming from a Reagan household (one of my first memories is attending a Reagan rally when I was 4 -- I still have the American flag they gave the kids). But I remember thinking it WOULD be cool to have a lady VP.

Now for balance, I will share that she flip flopped many times on her political affiliation. So I know she's been up for both parties at different times. Even this election. For some, it is complicated. I try to remember this with thoughtful people. And that in the end, she sided against Trump.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

This lady sounds very cool and interesting. I can see why people veer from left to right and back again, because some people sell a good idea that makes sense at the time and in the right place. Most of the time I also get why people stand with their particular tribe. (I say this as a life-long Dem who may not always be enthusiastic about a candidate but I tend to fall into formation.) And occasionally the choice doesn't represent anything natural. (This is what leaves me so bewildered about the electoral college and Trump. "have you HEARD this guy?")

I remember a kid saying something really racist in my mother's presence and my mother did not let it fly. I think more people need to do this when kids say things. I wonder if it would shift the tone.

[sallysimpleton.livejournal.com]

Adults really do need to step in more often, despite worrying about stepping on others' toes. We had no idea what we were talking about with that rhyme -- it was catchy with hand signals and you know how very little kids take to those. But I wonder if someone hadn't, how long until someone helped us out by explaining it wasn't right? Because correcting us was the kind thing to do for everyone in that situation.

[maliekai.livejournal.com]

You are doing a great job.