Endure the burning.

[gfrancie]

The president-elect reminds me of my father so I have been thinking a bit about my relationship with him towards the end. It was when I gave up trying to get his attention, and seeking his good opinion (because he wanted to be the center of attention and to have automatic respect just for showing up) that things became so bitter. (My mother had warned him that this would happen.) I won't lie, the last few years he was in my life, I made it clear to him that he was beneath me. That he was a loser. That I wasn't going to give him a single inch. It made him so angry. (I witnessed a number of hissy fits.) At the time I began to slowly gather my siblings around me. (See mom, telling us that we should count on one another and be there, paid off.) My father liked my sister, and he would act incredibly tender with her in my presence. (I have this really specific memory of him and I having another fight, and then he was playing with my sister, and he would look over at me and scowl and then immediately smile at her. And I thought, "you piece of shit.") I would literally take him from her and say, "She needs to do her homework now." This is something I feel kind of bad about when it comes my to sister. She was just a kid being pulled between two people who really hated one another. The only way I could excuse it at the time was that I wanted to protect her from his narcissistic behavior because she was too good for him. (I still carry with me a great deal of guilt that I didn't protect my brothers enough from his from his emotional games.)
The definitive break in our relationship came about because of violence in his part. He completely lost it when I told him that what he planned to make my siblings for dinner was something they really hated. He said, "of course they like it." And I said, "You don't even know them. They hate that. Don't you pay attention?!?!"
I have long played off what he did next was him being pathetic. It is only now that I see, "Wow, I really brought the ugly monster into the sunlight that day." Later that night I ambushed him in public; telling him he was nothing. That he was no longer my father and that he was dead to me. Shrieking in public and declaring how little he was. I slayed the monster. After that if he saw me he would run the other way. We never said another word to one another.
I was hoping to spend this coming year finally finishing a long stupid writing project that has no point except it entertains a couple of people. I was hoping that we might have a tiny bit of money to travel again. (nope) I was hoping to think of greater things for the next generation. Instead I go poking about for all of my armor, and begin sharpening my vicious blade to help bring down a sad old man. And to slow down a government or two that isn't by or for the people. I will do my best to protect those around me, and help others be brave because it will be terrifying, and it will be painful. It must be done.

Comments

[sanpaku.livejournal.com]

How old were you when you had that strength? That sounds terrifying.

Things are going to escalate quickly. No bets on what comes next. But at least we all know it's a monster.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

That particular incident where he tried to strangle me, I was about 19, so pretty much an adult at that point. He had hit me occasionally when I was growing up, but when I was about 13/14 I pulled a knife on him in the kitchen when he started to come near me. After that point he didn't touch me but when he would try something, I would do shit like throw dishes across the room. (My poor Mom went through a lot of plates in those years.) I don't think my father expected my mom and I to fight back when he tried physical violence. He was a bully but he underestimated the tenacity and dark energy of a couple of women who were smarter and stronger than him.

I told my husband, "I really understand those Russian peasants in revolutionary Russia a lot more now."