Getting real with the internet.

This morning I have embarked upon a new adventure. One that is kind of over-due.

I have been suffering from panic attacks. They aren't fun. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with your chest hurting, feeling like you are drowning and not being able to concentrate on shit. I kept thinking, "it will be okay. it's just winter. you are getting exercise, taking your vitamins, eating well and life is great. it will be okay. let's just get through the next couple of months."
Only I wasn't really getting through these months. I was white-knuckling it most days. I kept wondering if I was having a heart attack. I am only thirty. My heart is great, my blood pressure is awesome. The stress isn't too bad. After all I get out and do things, I have this totally and utterly super amazing husband who works from home (so he can help) and financially things are in order and blah blah blah.
But imagine feeling like you are having a heart attack a number of times. Some of the symptoms are the same as a panic attack.
The real kicker? my baby sleeps through the night for the most part and I am still not sleeping well. GAH.

The anxiety has been taking over and I have been having a real bitch of a time concentrating on anything and so it all kind of came to its breaking point last night. Miss Biscuit is having a growth spurt and so she is nursing more and woke up last night to nurse. No big deal. I get her back to sleep and I began to have chest pains and the drowning feeling began. There went sleep. I get up and try and pace around the house to calm myself. I take a B vitamin in hopes that it will do something. I drink tea. I try and get myself down from the metaphorical ceiling by watching Eddie Izzard videos on Youtube. Laughter is good for you. Eventually things sort of chilled out. I try and go back to sleep. It isn't really working. I cuddle up to Mr. Jenner who usually makes me feel safe. I kept feeling as if I was dying and I was fighting to stay awake. I passed out for about an hour and then woke up to feed Miss Biscuit. I woke up feeling absolutely awful.

The best description of what is going is this, in England there are Moors and often there is nothing protecting you from the wind and the cold and the ennui. You can sometimes find some formation of rocks to protect yourself. Only I can't find anything to stop the wind and all of this is going on in my head.

Senor Onion asked me where the muffins were and I realized I forgot to make some yesterday and I burst into tears. It was all too much. I knew I needed to do something. I said something about going to the doctor and then Senor Onion said, "Mummy needs to go to the doctor. And that made me cry. You see I don't really cry. I just don't. It isn't that I think crying is bad but it ain't my bag.

I call my doctor this morning around 8 and I told them about the panic attacks and they said, "how soon can you come in?" I hate to think that I worried them. So I got dressed and drove up there and I had a good chat with my doctor. She is a sympathetic lady. She has two young children. She knows all about it. I let it all out. What has been going on. How hard I have tried to keep on top and control over the demons. It wasn't like I had the urge to hurt myself or the kids. I just feel ramped up all.of.the.time. Even talking to food about it doesn't do much good. And if you can't even get some minor bliss out of a fucking chocolate bar? well shit. You need something stronger.

So. Starting today I am taking zoloft. It is a very very low dose. It is for a short period. It will help even me out. Sure there will be the adjustment period and I am still riding on the low end of a panic attack right now, but I have something to help me right myself. I need to be even for myself and for my family.

I have some hope that I will be able to beat down the anxiety goblins.

And none of that *hugs* nonsense. I am going to be pretty darn okay. But I figure it is good to get this out there in the open. I was talking to my Mother about all of this. She is a cool lady and she is glad I am getting help. (I know she was worried) We were talking about that part of me that feels like it is a moral failing on my part that I need some drugs. She said that is the foolish side. Even though I know in rational land that the drugs are there for a reason. And there is nothing wrong with doing something to get better.
She said the moral failing is not doing something about it and wallowing to the point of uselessness.

Now I am going to have a cup of tea. It will be my fourth!

More books

When I was a girl my Mother gave me a copy of The Twelve Dancing Princesses that was illustrated by Errol Le Cain. He was an amazing illustrator and died rather young. Apparently he started out doing film and was self-taught or something when it came to illustrating. I loved this book to pieces. It is probably one of my favorite fairytales ever. The sad thing is that this particular book has gone out of print and usually costs a bit. I managed to find a pretty decent copy out of the UK for a good price and it arrived in the mail.

You may not be able to go home again in some ways but you can definitely be transported back to particular sensations and experiences via a good book. There are all these details I had forgotten about and there are other details that look different to me now with my adult eyes.

Here are some of the illustrations from the book. You can click on some of the images to get a closer look. Here are a few pictures from another site. One thing that kind of struck me as funny is that when I was small I thought the King looked awfully fierce and angry. As an adult I don't see him having quite the same stern look and at times he seems a little powerless when it comes to his daughters.

I may have to scan a few images from the book that I love. There are these wonderful background moments that add so much more to the story.

I love collecting books. It is sometimes one of the best feelings to find something exquisite.

I had forgotten that Errol Le Cain also did a version of Sleeping Beauty called Thorn Rose. You can see a few of the illustrations from that book here.