oh goody

November isn't too bad so far. There is light outside sometimes. I use my lightbox when it isn't. I have to remember to use the lightbox more often. I sometimes wonder if the idea of having kind of a constant state of emotional evenness is a new/novel idea. Maybe I am supposed to live with this emotional geography where things are up up up and then down down down, repeat as needed. The real bitch is the under-current of anxiety. Maybe the anxiety are the nettles of my emotional geography. Man I am taking this metaphor to weird places. The anxiety is always there, I just have to be careful around it.

Most days I can combat it with the usual cognitive stuff. I will give myself five seconds to flip out in my head, and then I tell myself, "Okay, can you control this? Is there anything you can actually do? You can? Then do that. If not, then you need to release this one to the universe for now."
My problem is that I don't always trust the universe to take care of shit as well as I can. What an ego. Oh universe why don't you have your shit together. SOMEONE needs to. At least this is my deepest desire. And any good Buddhist would tell you, that I have to let that desire go, if I am to ever find peace.
So I have to sit with my anxiety a good long time. I may not make it a friend (sorry anxiety you aren't getting a Christmas card.) but I have to give it a spot at the table. I wonder if anxiety has any food allergies.