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Dec. 5th, 2012 11:26 pmThere are times when I get really wrapped up with some specific piece of anxiety. It sort of keeps me busy as I try and figure out what to do with the anxiety. Shall I let it swallow me up? Shall I try and solve this problem and every other problem on earth. The thing is, there are times when I am just so worn out by the anxiety that I lose all the energy that goes into that piece of anxiety. So I sit around confused and amped up wondering why I feel like I just finished doing something active. Oh. That. Adrenaline.
Sometimes when the anxiety is solved for me (like when Mr. Jenner talks me down from the wall. I sometimes feel like the wedding vows should have said, "yeah, gonna spend a life time calming down this broad." He does such a beautiful job.) I will feel confused. "I need to feel something... something is missing. Why am I not feeling something..." This is the state of me at times. To feel something is to either feel 0 or 10. I try and keep things a little more even but damn, some days that isn't going to happen. Could be worse. Could be 11.
Time to remind myself that I am not responsible for every.single.thing. I am not in charge of making.everyone.happy. I must not solve.every.fucking.problem.
On a slightly cheerier note I made marshmallows today. It's been a good long while since I made those. They were a trifle soft. I am not sure if it was the gelatin or if I didn't mix things for long enough. I was trying to be careful with the mixer as it is hooked up to a transformer and you don't want to overheat things. Mr. Jenner asked why I didn't just stop the mixer for awhile and I had to explain, "CHEMISTRY!" At least in regards to doing confectionery work. Always trying to keep things just so. Despite their slightly soft presence, they were tasty and went well with the cocoa I made. (had that while watching, "The Hour".)
I am still trying to figure out why mailing letters seems so much more complicated at the post office in Bude than it is at the place in Kilkhampton. They wear uniforms in Bude, and maybe it means things need to be over the top and done with flourish. Whereas the guy working the counter in Kilkhampton is wearing an old jumper, and is likely named Dave. and Dave obviously knows that shit shouldn't be complicated. The end result is that letters were posted, Christmas cards are going out. I also had a nice chat with the butcher later on. He was happy to hear my Thanksgiving dinner went well. I should invite him next year. I am going to invite everyone from now on. Bring a side dish, we are eating food.
Sometimes when the anxiety is solved for me (like when Mr. Jenner talks me down from the wall. I sometimes feel like the wedding vows should have said, "yeah, gonna spend a life time calming down this broad." He does such a beautiful job.) I will feel confused. "I need to feel something... something is missing. Why am I not feeling something..." This is the state of me at times. To feel something is to either feel 0 or 10. I try and keep things a little more even but damn, some days that isn't going to happen. Could be worse. Could be 11.
Time to remind myself that I am not responsible for every.single.thing. I am not in charge of making.everyone.happy. I must not solve.every.fucking.problem.
On a slightly cheerier note I made marshmallows today. It's been a good long while since I made those. They were a trifle soft. I am not sure if it was the gelatin or if I didn't mix things for long enough. I was trying to be careful with the mixer as it is hooked up to a transformer and you don't want to overheat things. Mr. Jenner asked why I didn't just stop the mixer for awhile and I had to explain, "CHEMISTRY!" At least in regards to doing confectionery work. Always trying to keep things just so. Despite their slightly soft presence, they were tasty and went well with the cocoa I made. (had that while watching, "The Hour".)
I am still trying to figure out why mailing letters seems so much more complicated at the post office in Bude than it is at the place in Kilkhampton. They wear uniforms in Bude, and maybe it means things need to be over the top and done with flourish. Whereas the guy working the counter in Kilkhampton is wearing an old jumper, and is likely named Dave. and Dave obviously knows that shit shouldn't be complicated. The end result is that letters were posted, Christmas cards are going out. I also had a nice chat with the butcher later on. He was happy to hear my Thanksgiving dinner went well. I should invite him next year. I am going to invite everyone from now on. Bring a side dish, we are eating food.
