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Sometimes you are handed the Christmas you are handed. You get up and get on with it.
Mr. Jenner woke up to a nasty cold on Christmas Eve. We rolled with it. In fact we had a pretty lovely Christmas Eve. It was utterly relaxed and delightful. I am a keen fan of Christmas Eve. All the Christmas Eves all the time.
Early this morning I was in bed. Mr. Jenner had been up a few times in the night as he was feeling awful. I heard the kids waking up and finding their stockings. It was wonderful to hear them exclaim, "LOOK AT THIS!!!" Mr. Jenner wasn't in bed. I went down stairs and told him the kids were waking. (he was sitting on the sofa.)
He came up stairs, I went back to bed and laid there for a moment. I heard him be sick in the bathroom and I thought, "Ooof poor guy. I hope he feels better." The kids continued to chatter. Then I heard this hard tumble from the bathroom, and then silence. That silence that lasts so long. I leapt right out of bed, and came into the bathroom to find Mr. Jenner laying there on his side. I called his name. No answer. I called again. I looked at him and his eyes were wide open in a stare. Just this long stare into nothing. I shook him, and called his name. I was probably shrieking because this wasn't right. this was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. His teeth were clenched and that stare. Oh God, my great worry. That great terrifying worry when you love someone so much you want to hit them. I shrieked, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD COME BACK WAKE UP." I laid him back on his side in case he threw up again. I couldn't tell if he was breathing but he still had good color. The kids were yelling in fear. I left the room to grab my phone. I did and then I heard Andrew say, "what is it?"
I raced back and nearly knocked him over. He asked what was wrong. I must have looked both angry and confused. I yelled, "YOU WERE OUT. You passed out. Your eyes!!! They were open. Nothing was going on. You weren't responding." I was almost angry. In fact I was angry. WHAT THE FUCK YOU BASTARD.
He said, "NO I didn't. I was asleep."
I think it was that swift hit of emotion, that made me explain, no you were out. Your eyes were open, you passed out. You were NOT asleep. I couldn't wake you. are you mad? That is it, we are calling the NHS, this isn't right. COME WITH ME, sit down.
I was every emotion.
We chatted with someone who asked him questions. He was alert and aware and he had terrible night sweats and he was grey. They said they would have a GP call back in a few minutes. Mr. Jenner went to take a shower. I kept checking on him every few minutes because I didn't want him to pass out again or whatever. The GP called, and chatted with him some more. Apparently sometimes when you vomit, some sort of nerve is touched or whatever, and with all that blood rushing to the stomach, things kind of get rebooted in the brain. And one's wife becomes a god damn wreck.
He had no fever, he looked better after the shower, and I put him on the sofa for awhile. He was fairly cheerful most of the day, ate a lot of food at dinner, and was his usual calm self. I was paranoid and kept checking his temp. and asking him how he was. I mostly replayed that whole moment in my head of finding him and staring back into those wide eyes and seeing nothing. Loving someone is a shit deal in those moments.
The kids who spent one moment in fear, were keen on presents the next. They tore through things. What is that? OMG is this for me? THIS IS GREAT! They had great fun. I loved Miss Biscuit's reaction to this one present, "...But you said it was too expensive?!?!" Ta-da, sometimes Mom comes through. They built things, they played with things, they looked at books. There would be noise, and silence and then more noise and then utter devotion to things.
We chatted with my sister and one of my brothers. Then with my Mom. It was good to hear from them. I miss them.
I cooked. I peeled. I threw myself into the business of creating meals, and food. I didn't want to feel much because that stupid horrible feeling sat there. I had to turn that off. We had my inlaws, and my husband's Nan coming over. I raced around. Making sure the dining room looked right. Making sure all the food was just so. I even got myself dressed nice. I checked on Mr. Jenner. I sorted the kids. I helped with bits of toys. Mr. Jenner was a great big help with the kids too. I just wanted to make sure he was okay.
Dinner was great. I think. The food was good and well received. I ate food, but I didn't really taste it at times. I tasted when cooking to make sure it was correct. But I kept going. And making sure it was all nice. Be cheerful. Be sociable. I chatted with Nanny D. She told me good stories about her life. We teased my father in law for snoozing and snoring. My Mother in law was a patient Nan with stories, helping with toys, taking photos, because I was clearing tables, offering tea, and moving moving moving.
Miss Biscuit and Mr. Jenner were beginning to feel a bit bleh, so people went home. I read stories and cuddling Miss Biscuit. She told me it was a great Christmas. She said, "This morning wasn't good. But it was okay in the end. I was afraid for Dad. I was afraid he was dead. But he wasn't. Look, I have this great doll. She is the best. And this super hero outfit for my other doll. And all these things. I love you. Do we get more gifts?"
Senor Onion cuddled with me. He stayed up late. He read his world records books and asked questions and then cuddled again like when he was little. I put him to bed and he said, "This was the best day. It was sooooooooooooo awesome. Thank you."
They had so much fun, and they enjoyed every bit of it. So I feel success there. I just want to make it magical. Even when I am not feeling it, or I am feeling distracted.
Mr. Jenner is in bed now. I remain paranoid. I watch him. He doesn't have a fever but he had those night sweats so I watch. I told him, "I will go without sleep for days to make sure you are all right." He probably thinks I am bananas. I am.
He loved his presents too. From the silly to the utterly practical to the fun.
I glanced at my presents. I appreciated them. I will look at them more tomorrow.
It was Christmas. The chaos of it all.
Mr. Jenner woke up to a nasty cold on Christmas Eve. We rolled with it. In fact we had a pretty lovely Christmas Eve. It was utterly relaxed and delightful. I am a keen fan of Christmas Eve. All the Christmas Eves all the time.
Early this morning I was in bed. Mr. Jenner had been up a few times in the night as he was feeling awful. I heard the kids waking up and finding their stockings. It was wonderful to hear them exclaim, "LOOK AT THIS!!!" Mr. Jenner wasn't in bed. I went down stairs and told him the kids were waking. (he was sitting on the sofa.)
He came up stairs, I went back to bed and laid there for a moment. I heard him be sick in the bathroom and I thought, "Ooof poor guy. I hope he feels better." The kids continued to chatter. Then I heard this hard tumble from the bathroom, and then silence. That silence that lasts so long. I leapt right out of bed, and came into the bathroom to find Mr. Jenner laying there on his side. I called his name. No answer. I called again. I looked at him and his eyes were wide open in a stare. Just this long stare into nothing. I shook him, and called his name. I was probably shrieking because this wasn't right. this was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. His teeth were clenched and that stare. Oh God, my great worry. That great terrifying worry when you love someone so much you want to hit them. I shrieked, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD COME BACK WAKE UP." I laid him back on his side in case he threw up again. I couldn't tell if he was breathing but he still had good color. The kids were yelling in fear. I left the room to grab my phone. I did and then I heard Andrew say, "what is it?"
I raced back and nearly knocked him over. He asked what was wrong. I must have looked both angry and confused. I yelled, "YOU WERE OUT. You passed out. Your eyes!!! They were open. Nothing was going on. You weren't responding." I was almost angry. In fact I was angry. WHAT THE FUCK YOU BASTARD.
He said, "NO I didn't. I was asleep."
I think it was that swift hit of emotion, that made me explain, no you were out. Your eyes were open, you passed out. You were NOT asleep. I couldn't wake you. are you mad? That is it, we are calling the NHS, this isn't right. COME WITH ME, sit down.
I was every emotion.
We chatted with someone who asked him questions. He was alert and aware and he had terrible night sweats and he was grey. They said they would have a GP call back in a few minutes. Mr. Jenner went to take a shower. I kept checking on him every few minutes because I didn't want him to pass out again or whatever. The GP called, and chatted with him some more. Apparently sometimes when you vomit, some sort of nerve is touched or whatever, and with all that blood rushing to the stomach, things kind of get rebooted in the brain. And one's wife becomes a god damn wreck.
He had no fever, he looked better after the shower, and I put him on the sofa for awhile. He was fairly cheerful most of the day, ate a lot of food at dinner, and was his usual calm self. I was paranoid and kept checking his temp. and asking him how he was. I mostly replayed that whole moment in my head of finding him and staring back into those wide eyes and seeing nothing. Loving someone is a shit deal in those moments.
The kids who spent one moment in fear, were keen on presents the next. They tore through things. What is that? OMG is this for me? THIS IS GREAT! They had great fun. I loved Miss Biscuit's reaction to this one present, "...But you said it was too expensive?!?!" Ta-da, sometimes Mom comes through. They built things, they played with things, they looked at books. There would be noise, and silence and then more noise and then utter devotion to things.
We chatted with my sister and one of my brothers. Then with my Mom. It was good to hear from them. I miss them.
I cooked. I peeled. I threw myself into the business of creating meals, and food. I didn't want to feel much because that stupid horrible feeling sat there. I had to turn that off. We had my inlaws, and my husband's Nan coming over. I raced around. Making sure the dining room looked right. Making sure all the food was just so. I even got myself dressed nice. I checked on Mr. Jenner. I sorted the kids. I helped with bits of toys. Mr. Jenner was a great big help with the kids too. I just wanted to make sure he was okay.
Dinner was great. I think. The food was good and well received. I ate food, but I didn't really taste it at times. I tasted when cooking to make sure it was correct. But I kept going. And making sure it was all nice. Be cheerful. Be sociable. I chatted with Nanny D. She told me good stories about her life. We teased my father in law for snoozing and snoring. My Mother in law was a patient Nan with stories, helping with toys, taking photos, because I was clearing tables, offering tea, and moving moving moving.
Miss Biscuit and Mr. Jenner were beginning to feel a bit bleh, so people went home. I read stories and cuddling Miss Biscuit. She told me it was a great Christmas. She said, "This morning wasn't good. But it was okay in the end. I was afraid for Dad. I was afraid he was dead. But he wasn't. Look, I have this great doll. She is the best. And this super hero outfit for my other doll. And all these things. I love you. Do we get more gifts?"
Senor Onion cuddled with me. He stayed up late. He read his world records books and asked questions and then cuddled again like when he was little. I put him to bed and he said, "This was the best day. It was sooooooooooooo awesome. Thank you."
They had so much fun, and they enjoyed every bit of it. So I feel success there. I just want to make it magical. Even when I am not feeling it, or I am feeling distracted.
Mr. Jenner is in bed now. I remain paranoid. I watch him. He doesn't have a fever but he had those night sweats so I watch. I told him, "I will go without sleep for days to make sure you are all right." He probably thinks I am bananas. I am.
He loved his presents too. From the silly to the utterly practical to the fun.
I glanced at my presents. I appreciated them. I will look at them more tomorrow.
It was Christmas. The chaos of it all.
