An Exercise in Futility

Today was a good and proper hate-spiral. From start to finish.
I haven't been sleeping well because I think I have some kind of allergy thing going on. It is lingering in my chest and so I do a lot of coughing at night when I sleep. (which makes for uneven sleep.) The first few nights I took a codeine (which is great.) Buuuuuuuuuuut that is pretty easy to get too comfortable to take. So I took something else. And propped myself up with many pillows. I don't think it is a cold. Because once I am up for the day I am mostly okay. Though I have this rough sounding cough that makes me sound as if I have been smoking for years, and I wake up with swollen glands in my neck. (like crazy swollen) but then that goes down after awhile. (and I drink a lot of water.) I don't even think it is worth going to the doctor because the GP would shrug their shoulders and say, "yeah..."
So I woke up in a state of blergh. Then I had to get the kids ready for their first day of school. Senor Onion was slightly grumpy and then the grump increased when we found that his shoes DID NOT FIT even though they fit three days ago. WHAT THE FUCK. I wanted to take a photo of him and his sister to send to my mom, and he refused to stand next to his sister. OMG. I rarely ever take his photo because I totally respect his privacy but jesus fucking christ kid... can you fucking pretend to be civilized for three minutes so your Grandma who adores you can see a photo of you??? I wasn't very patient with him. Oh... and my car was making this awful grinding noise when braking. Which it was a couple of months ago. (we had to replace the back brake pads) and this wasn't good. There was also a burning smell. So I was going to take it into town to the mechanic. Only there was a fuck ton of traffic. Like SO MUCH TRAFFIC. Because traffic controls were put up at this one spot. And JUST as I was about to move forward (and I had the right of way) this guy cut me off, and he did this sort of smile and wave as he did it. I suppose he didn't realize that I had the right of way, and I was just so done at that point that I flipped him off and I really don't do that. But FUCK THAT GUY. FUCK YOU GUY IN THE MAZDA. I should also mention I have wicked wicked cramps today. And it is humid. One should never ever have their period while it is humid out. The air was pressing on me. AND my tumble dryer is broken and the part was supposed to come today but it didn't. Because why should it. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANY FUCKING FUCKO DO THEIR JOB AND MAKE SURE A PART GETS SENT OUT IN A TIMELY FASHION AND WHY SHOULD PEOPLE MAKE PHONE CALLS AND OMG ENGLAND YOU PEOPLE LACK ANY WORK ETHIC AND I HATE ALL YOUR BASTARD FACES.
*takes a deep breath*
I take the car into the mechanic. They are busy. Very busy. But they are nice. And have ideas about what might be wrong. But they can't see me until Friday. I limp home. (a quick stop at the co-op to get things, so we don't starve) and it is all worthless.
At least the weather is decent so I can dry clothes. But everyone else sucks.
I have lost my wedding ring somewhere in the house.
SOMEWHERE. Because I am too dumb to own things. And maybe when people were being "helpful" with tidying at my daughter's birthday, they threw it away. And god damn... I am just so over everything right now.
Then I forgot that I was going to take the kids to my mother in law's for a belated birthday tea. fuck. I get a message from her, just as I sat down with a cup of tea, and things were beginning to feel okay. I told my mother in law, "Everything has gone awry so I don't think it will happen today." and while I don't think she intended to be passive-aggressive with her reply, it didn't leave me feeling generous. (I admit I have been letting something she said the other day to my daughter kind of sit around in my head because it sort of crossed a parental boundary and I am still trying to think about how to say, "hey back the heck off there." That is a tough one.) But I didn't say anything. I just said, "let's aim for tomorrow."

At least the people at the American embassy were helpful and useful today. Fuck yeah America! They are my peeps. They were also excellent yesterday when we visited them in person. (I will talk more about our quick trip to London once I have had dinner and I feel less violent.)

Today I came home from running errands with the kids and found a letter saying, "Hey that poem you submitted will be published in this anthology and then it is going to be read by a committee of judges for a prize." So there is that super long-shot of making a short-list. But whatever. I had anticipated rejection when I had initially submitted. (because that is the way of things.) and instead there is that. I had completely forgotten that I had submitted the damn thing. It threw me into a state of anxiety for assorted and complicated reasons. The few friends I have shared some of my poetry with, have been encouraging. (I have such a love-hate feeling about poetry, and the few pieces I write. It tends to be so private.)

Then this afternoon I get an email from another (very well known place) that is starting up a food section. A friend kindly bullied me into submitting some of my work and introducing myself. They said, "hey we got a number of submissions, and we are going through them right now. And if we don't say yes immediately, we want to stay in contact for the next round of contributors." And it wasn't just some mass emailing. Likely I am in the maybe category but still. I am genuinely surprised and it is novel just to get a personal email back from this place and this person.

But oh man the anxiety. Too much pressure. I am better with rejection. I can just say, "I tried." And then keep trying to write. This path of possibility is overwhelming.

I was a children's birthday today. (a friend of Miss Biscuit's) Both of my sisters in law were there as well. (everyone has children close in age, and so EVERYONE comes to the birthday parties.) For awhile my nephew (aged 18 months) spent a good portion of time playing with assorted stones in this one section of the garden that had a lot of stones. He was picking them up, throwing them about, and putting them in this little planter. The birthday boy (aged seven, but often like a little old man.) came up to my sister in law Kim and said, "I don't think it is a very good idea for Ollie to play about with the stones?"
She asked him, "Why is that?"
Birthday boy replied, "Because that is where the dog likes to wee and poo everyday.
There was a moment of silence, as everyone took in this information. (stones I should mention that Ollie had likely put in his mouth at one point.)
Poor poor Kim looked so horrified and said, "I do believe it is time to go and wash Ollie's hands.
My sister in law Kat, her boyfriend N, and I busted up laughing.

Lovely party. Complete with candy, and ice cream.

Oh the sweetness of being on Summer break. No jumpers. No socks. Let's be lazy.
I had a moment today where I was feeling low about myself. (so much exhaustion that comes with a really bad anxiety attack) and I had to try and pull myself out of it and remind myself that I am not a completely incapable person. I have to remind myself that I have options. I am learning to drive a manual car and well... today's lesson was difficult. Incredibly so. I was close to tears. And while I CAN do it, I am completely overwhelmed and the thought of trying to pass a manual driving test is just too much. Like I know my brain will go blank and I will have have a full blown panic attack and I feel all this incredible pressure to do it. DO IT NOW. YOU MUST DO IT. And in turn I want to hurt myself because I can't get over this mental block. So I may just say, "okay maybe later. Maybe just get an automatic license for now. You are not a complete and utter failure." (though god I feel like one. The biggest one.)

Tomorrow this vintage dressing table I found will be delivered. I had seen it at its original price and while I liked it, I wasn't so enthused about the price and I went away to think about it. Then I saw a clearance sign, and I went into the shop and the dressing table was still there. It was at a much friendlier price. I feel like some kind of clever beast for getting it at that price. The best part was the cheap delivery. It will be a bit of a hassle moving it upstairs but we will deal with that when we get it.

Wednesday we are doing some sort of day out to a park with extended family, and if the weather holds up on Thursday, there is the school sausage sizzle. I think that should be enough activity for the kids -other than a trip to the library. I want to make sure that they have plenty of time to be lazy, to day-dream, and make their own adventures.

My old house in Seattle is about to go on the market again. The really nice couple who bought it (I became friends with the wife on FB, because it turned out we had mutual friends) are moving across the country. It is an odd feeling because it feels like the house will be one more step removed from us. It hasn't been our house for awhile. We haven't lived there for four years, and it was sold over three years ago but it is still a little sad. It is still secretly my house. Or at least it will always be in a way. The house with the wonderfully ugly ancient shag carpet. Where I spent most of my twenties, where my kids were babies, where I cooked a lot, and the four of us had really good times.

The past... week has been absolutely mad in this adopted country of mine. Just fucking insane. I mean life goes on in the everyday sense but it is a bit like living in the eye of this strange hurricane. We aren't quite sure which way the storm will go.
Chaos is the theme. I have to say waking up Friday to the bad news was something else. I have never felt so sick, and spent most of the day in a kind of daze. I was sorting out uniforms when David Cameron announced he was resigning.
I had to go to the patronal festival and found myself talking with a few other mom friends in our shocked state. Some had been day-drinking because it was just too much. BUT we get up and we keep going. It has inspired some of us to be more politically active, and to fight against the meaner elements in this country.
Really I just want to wipe the smug off the face of my MP. I want him to return to life in Bodmin.

But let's thinking of happier things for a few moments. I got to play with my sister in law's new kitten this weekend. It is a tiny ball of fluff who thinks it is ten feet tall and can fight all the monsters. I have never had so much fun with an animal.

I went to London. Beautiful humid London. (Never have I felt so soupy.) I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see but that also means I should come and visit again soon.
Here are some snaps.
I ate a lot. I bought a lot of books by women. I got to walk and walk and walk.

I have become my Mother. I mean this in a good way. But it was a funny moment when I realized I was employing some of her tactics and words. I said to Mr. Jenner later on, "OMG... these words.... they came out of my mouth. Words I remember hearing as a child. Damn. My Mom was GOOD!"

Let me preface this by saying that Miss Biscuit is a pretty well behaved kid. Really. And in some ways it is hard to come down on her when she messes up because when she realizes she has done something wrong it crushes her. (which reminds me of my sister when she was a child.)
Yesterday afternoon while I was getting tea and biscuits, the kids were telling me about their day. Miss Biscuit said, "E. and I did something kinda naughty. We were very cheeky." I said, "oh? I hope you weren't naughty." I said this absent-mindedly as I poured tea, not really thinking about it. Suddenly she went quiet. I asked, "What did you guys do?" and she didn't want to say and I pointed out that telling the truth will always benefit her. It may hurt a little at first but it makes life a lot easier. With a bit of encouragement, she told me how E. had this idea to write a letter to their teaching assistant and in this letter (Miss Biscuit was given the job of writing the letter for E. as Miss Biscuit has neater hand-writing and knows how to spell more words. JESUS CHRIST E.) they accuse a classmate of hiding/pilfering pink paper in his tray.

Side note: The kid they accuse is kind of a rowdy but still very sweet boy. Miss Biscuit has commented a few times that this boy is naughty. I always tell her, "Even if someone is naughty, they likely have a good heart and you must be kind to them. He isn't a bad kid. He is still learning how to harness all of that energy." (which is true. More than anything he is a five year old kid who is extra wiggly and easily distracted. He isn't mean at all.)

I asked Miss Biscuit, "did he actually hide/steal this paper?"
She said, "no... I don't think so."
"So why did you guys accuse him of such a thing? That is rather cruel. He could get into trouble for something he didn't do. Why would you want to hurt someone like that? When adults do things like that, (which is wrong) they have ruined other people's lives. I am kind of surprised you did that kid. You are usually so kind and have such a tender heart."
And then she began to sob. It seems this had been E's idea. And Miss Biscuit thought it was a funny game.
Ooooh boy.
Miss Biscuit was completely and utterly crushed and spent the afternoon in a state. She was too ashamed to look at me. I told her that she wasn't a bad kid. But she needed to tell the teaching assistant the truth. Miss Biscuit was terrified. I told her that I would go with her, and help her tell the truth. I pointed out that she would get in less trouble if she was honest and that she would be doing the right thing by standing up for someone. Sometimes doing the right thing is scary and hard. But it has to be done because that is who we are as a family.
We hugged. A lot. She was scared this morning. But the teaching assistant said that Miss Biscuit had done the right thing. And the teaching assistant could see that Miss Biscuit was mortified and told her she was proud of her for coming forward. (the teachers had seen the letter. I didn't ask but I would be curious to know what their reaction was.)

I feel kind of stuck in a way. I like E. I like E's Mum a lot. We get along well. And I don't want to say, "hey your child is acting in a super shady manner." I will leave the school to handle that. In the mean time I told Miss Biscuit that one shouldn't go along with everyone's ideas because some ideas can be terrible. And it is important to examine if they could harm someone.

Being a parent is freaking hard. Thankfully I learned a few good things from my Mom.

To pivot to slightly more fun things, Senor Onion had a blast at his math challenge day at the Eden Project earlier this week. All math, all the time. He told me how they got to do all these problems and puzzles in the morning, and then in the afternoon there was this scavenger/math trail all over the biomes. Some people won prizes but his group didn't but it didn't matter because he had fun AND everyone got a stuffed lion, and lion bar for their efforts. He is still thinking of a name for the lion. He came home pretty enthusiastic about the day and hopes he can do it again next year. YAY Math!

I got my car back. They fixed the drive-shaft. It was a whole thing. Because it is always a whole thing with cars. I picked the one car that had a particular issue and it was a make/model where they changed everything the year after it came out. So it is impossible to find certain parts for it. We paid a big ol' sum to have this part fixed. The man was sympathetic about it. I said, "well... there goes a holiday. Right there." I had to bring in the other car to get a tire patched. (because all cars like to get together and fall apart) and I didn't realize my car was already fixed. I was over the moon. YAY!!!! So I got my car back today. My battered car that backs into hedges.

Today I had my nieces over. Free entertainment for Miss Biscuit. They play well with one another but there are still the breakdowns to sort through. And because there is the impending divorce there are a few more breakdowns than usual with the girls. BUT, we help them through it. They built forts, they played with cars, they did some coloring, they watched some tv, and then we made pizza for supper. And had ice lollies. After that I walked them over to their Nana's for a sleepover.

I had a major moment today when I realized my daughter could open the car door, get herself in, and buckle herself in. (she's been doing this a bit but it hit me.) THIS was the day my mother spoke of. "Hey let's go somewhere." And it is less of a production.

Senor Onion brought home this squirrel they made in school. And it is the most unusual looking squirrel I have ever seen. And I absolutely love it with all my heart. Senor Onion was pretty enthusiastic about it and told me about the whole process for making it. He really does enjoy doing art and he has a great eye for detail. I want to keep this thing for-freaking-ever.

I also finished a piece that has been nagging at me. And it is pretty fucking good if I say so myself.
Tomorrow I plan on laying in bed awhile, making and eating french toast, and reading a book.

There are projects I need to finish. They aren't too difficult but I have been avoiding them. I just need to sit myself down in the chair tomorrow and really go at them.
I finally sent off my application to get a British passport. This involves more waiting and further interviews. It is always that one extra step with the British government. You send all these documents, and the application, and you pay this significant sum, and then you wait so that they can contact you for the interview. This means I get to drive a significant distance to god damn Plymouth. Always fucking Plymouth. All so a government official can take a good look at me and say, "yes, you are you as all your documents say you are you." (I get to spend all that gas money and a whole day doing this. lucky lucky me.) And then once they feel satisfied by this, they might send me a passport. Then I get to renew my US passport. That will be simple. Send things to the US embassy, they say, "yep, still you after all these years." and then I will be sorted for another ten years.

Oh, and it seems that the person who won the police commissioner election for Devon/Cornwall is being investigated for election fraud. Not for this election, but for the last general election. You see.... it seems the Tories may not have spent money as they should for the election, and this isn't just in Devon and Cornwall, (but in a number of other places) but it is especially bad here. The dear woman who is being investigated had been in charge of another candidate's run, and well it doesn't look good. The Tories had all this time to show their paperwork that the electoral commission asked for (a number of times.) and didn't pony it up until the very very end. The police are involved as well. And if it appears that the Tories were indeed as shady (as all decent people believe and know) about their money, it could make things very unpleasant for them. (you see... I am kinda hoping my MP takes a bit of a kicking. That shifty sonofabitch.) Anyhow... things are amusing in the sticks.

Senor Onion has been invited to some Math Challenge event at the eden project because he is a smarty at math. It seems that primary schools in the southwest send their brightest math kids from years 4-6. And he is one of them. He is kind of excited about this, and he will be with a friend from class. I really hope he enjoys the day.

I got to see my friend C. on Friday. It was so good to chatter at her. It turned out her friend who came with her, had come with her to my wedding a million years ago. So it was fun to catch up with her, and it was pretty wild to see my friend C's Mom and sister as I had not seen them since... before I was married. I think I kinda terrified her Mom when C. and I were growing up, but she was always nice to me (and still is.) but I could kinda sense which parents thought, "This one might rob a bank." And to this day I think there are a few parents of childhood friends who are surprised that I turned out so... normal. We had a really lovely dinner by the canal in Bude. It was gorgeous weather out (England is putting on a good show right now.) and we had a lovely meal. I gave them loads of ideas of where to stop on their road trip (They are driving all over the UK.) and it looks like from FB pictures they are having a great time.