An Exercise in Futility

Lo he was born, and then the adventure began!
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Yesterday in the car I had my nieces, and Miss Biscuit with me. (I had picked up the girls and we were on our way to a birthday party.) And they were being hams in the back and then I heard Miss Biscuit say/do something racist. It is something a number of children do. (but shouldn't do.) She obviously had no idea what it meant. I said, "Hey, Miss Biscuit, you really shouldn't do that. It hurts the feelings of many Asian people. It isn't very kind." She kinda flipped out and burst into tears and covered her face. So I had to quickly sort this WHILE driving on winding country roads. I told her, "Hey you aren't in trouble. You really aren't in trouble at all. You just didn't know. Remember you are seven years old and you are still learning about the world. You are seeing and hearing things that you may not always understand the full meaning of." I handed her a hankie.
I asked if she had seen/heard that on the playground at school -she had. I said, "yeah kids often repeat things in ignorance. But you are getting to learn more about kindness right now. So it is okay. We have to be kind. We have to consider how other people feel when we say and do things when it has to do with who they are. And we have to listen to them when they say something is hurtful. Just like we do at home."
One of her cousins said, "oh yeah. Someone did that thing at school and I. (this is a friend of the girls who was born in Thailand) said to them, 'I don't think you should do that.' and I. NEVER says anything like that to people, so it was good to know."
(see people, even seven and eight year olds can suss out things.)

I talked more with Miss Biscuit about it this morning. She was still terribly embarrassed about things. I had to repeat that she wasn't in trouble, that she just had her first experience with cultural ignorance. I explained why it was hurtful, and how some people have some really foolish ideas about how people look and what they think it means when people's bodies are different from others. (I referenced Peter Spier's People book which talks about how unique and different people are and how wonderful that is.) And that she was ahead of many adults (including that man who is the president elect) because she was capable of learning, and that she HAD learned something important, and that she will hopefully be a kinder person in the world. (something that man could never be.) She began to laugh at that. Then I told her, "If you see other people do that, you have a job to tell them that they are being hurtful and shouldn't do that. Sometimes part of kindness means being brave and telling people when they are hurtful to others."

Yes we live in a place where there aren't a lot of people who different from us. (though the Asian population is slowly growing around here which is pretty cool.) But I remember that I grew up where there were quite a few Asian people, and kids would still do that stupid thing with their eyes and saying, "Chinese, Japanese..." One of my childhood friends was Vietnamese-American (his dad ran a restaurant near the restaurant my father worked in, so we played together a lot. We would go and catch shrimp and have his dad fry it up, or we would get french fries from my dad.) and I have distinct memories (when I was about the same age as Miss Biscuit) of kids who were his friends doing that to him. I don't recall any adults saying, "Don't do that. That is dumb." And of course he really didn't say anything about it. So even when you live in a place that is a little more culturally diverse, kids will do dumb things. I still drag the kids to London so they can see that people are different and have wonderful beautiful lives and cultures that are incredibly valuable. "LOOK LOOK... SO MUCH AWESOMENESS!!!"
I hope it all pays off.

Apparently my new skill-set involves talking down tetchy people on FB. Whether it is anxious wound up white Democrats, or wound up Trump supporters who thinks everyone hates them because people are asking them about the fact that they supported a fascist with some pretty terrible views who is surrounded by some really awful people, and is shifting ass on a dime. Pretty much all the useful stuff I learned in my son's preschool in calming a child and getting them to talk about their feelings, can be applied to grown-ass folks.
SKILLS. I have them.
Seriously thought... white folk, we gotta get over ourselves. Most of us are showing our asses.

In other fun news... I helped build a pretty epic blanket fort today so I think I win at life.

Today was parent/teacher conferences. I always dread them a bit. I almost feel like I am about to be told off for my performance as a parent. Yeah that is pretty selfish. I know it isn't about me. (but I am always anxious that I am not doing doing enough for my kids. And I want them to be kind polite kids.)
But it was about what I expected.
Miss Biscuit is whip-smart and super enthusiastic and a bit of a day-dreamer. (I predicted this would be her comment. I should have put money on this.) Her teacher didn't have the easiest relationship with Senor Onion so it is interesting to see how she gets along with Miss Biscuit. It is very different. I don't worry about her so much.

Then it was Senor Onion's conference. He is whip-smart and he is doing better at managing his emotions when he becomes anxious/upset when things aren't so easy or unexpected. He has two teachers right now (though one is going on maternity leave so he will have another teacher. So many teachers.) But his main one is getting to know Senor Onion and she likes his sense of humor, and she said she is learning how best to help him. She sees her job as helping him get ready for secondary school in the next two years. She is helping him to regroup and she has a pretty keen insight into how to get into his head. I felt relieved and positive.

...

I was an adult. I invited EVERYONE in the family to Thanksgiving. Including new partners. Because I want to welcome everyone. My brother in law P. declined the invite. (this was after his ex, her bf, and all the kids said yes to coming.) I get why he said he couldn't make it. He is likely not ready to deal with some of this. I wanted to welcome him and his gf. (she is very nice.) Mr. Jenner said, "you did your part." And that is true. My sister in law texted me and said, "I am so sorry I have caused all of this." And I told her that this wasn't her fault. Because it isn't. Family is family for life. And it has been nearly a year so everyone needs to get on board with the new dynamic. And hey more pie for everyone else. I am going to make a great meal and hope everyone enjoys it.

...
Hey, so Saturday Mr. Jenner and I saw Lear with Glenda Jackson at the Old Vic. It was thrilling. Absolutely thrilling. This woman has so much freaking charisma and presence. Some actors rest on what they once were but she doesn't wait for anyone. And the rest of the cast was fun to watch. I felt so lucky to be able to see her on stage. It was a rare an amazing treat.
We were up in the dress circle and had good seats but my back and knees took a bit of a hit. I am not that tall (5'6) but I have long legs and that means my knees were pushing against the seat in front of me. A lot of adjusting of position between my hips/back. Queen of the fidget. Still, what a fun night.
AND when we were at dinner, the server apologized for our main course taking so long. (they knew we had to be at the theatre) We were cool with it. I was sympathetic and told her, "Hey it's Saturday night, it gets crazy and you guys got a million covers." (I think a dupe didn't reach the kitchen.) We were happy when our food arrived. (it was so damn good. But I was also very hungry. Smoked salmon and a truffle cream sauce in pasta for me. Mr. Jenner had pasta with wild boar.) And then they comped our starters and drinks. We didn't even ask. So remember... be nice, and sympathetic and people will do the same for you. A bit timely because on the train up to London I was making my way through a carriage and there were two employees (including a supervisor) who were talking to a woman who was engaged in a little railcard fraud. And she was getting real pissy with them. And kept going on and on at length. The supervisor said, "I can sort this at my discretion but when you display an attitude like that to my colleague I am not inclined to let it go." He realized he was standing in my way and apologized and I said, "hey no problem." and gave him a nice American smile and he smiled back. I hope the rest of his day went okay.
So yes. Theatre, food, trains. What a weekend.

I was able to get out of bed this morning and not be in pain. My back/hips are still fragile so I think it might be a few more days before I can run again. (I am craving it.) But it will be all right.

Now let's face tomorrow.

My anxiety has been way out of control for a few days. Sunday morning I didn't have enough time to go running in the morning, so I thought, "let's go outside. Maybe do a bit of work in the garden. That's calming." And it was. I cleared out a bed, turned the soil, ripped out some plants I have no use for, and felt really good. Then I went and had a look at the shade garden and did a bit of work. But all that bending over got me. See I bent over and stood up and suddenly things felt very very wrong. The kind of pain that explodes across one's lower back. I thought, "Ah. I must now stop." And then my bra stabbed me. The underwire popped out and fucking stabbed me. (and listen anyone who says, "oh don't use underwires..." shut the fuck up. You don't have my tits, I don't have your tits. My tits need those underwires thank you. I know my tits. So shut.the.fuck.up. I don't want to hear it. Not today.) and in the past couple of weeks my marks and spencer bras have all gone to the great lingerie store in the sky. I am down to a couple of bras. I need to buy more. But in that moment I was mostly thinking about my back.
I took some ibuprofen, went right up stairs and took a hot shower. But it didn't really help too much. Yeah. I fucked up my back. BUT I remember all the stuff I learned in physiotherapy. "Don't get into bed. Walk/stand as much as you can. Stretch. Don't go running." And I did as they said. But damn did so many muscles clench up. I was a walking giant seized muscle. I took more ibuprofen. (a fun thing I learned from my doctor, "yeah you can take a lot more of that stuff when you are in serious pain.")
I then took Miss Biscuit to her friend's place to play with her friend's pony. Always make friends with someone who has a pony. Her friend's parents have opened up a livery yard with a sand school. (look at me throwing around horse terms.) They have a number of horses and ponies that board with them, and people come and use the sand school. Miss Biscuit was in heaven. They got to brush Spice the pony. They got to feed the pony, and then they got to ride the pony. And then play in the den, make potions, and other little girl stuff. I had a lovely time chatting with the parents, drinking cups of tea, and walking around. It helped a bit. But I was fucking worn when I got home. I took a super hot bath and then a valium. (my tiny little stash that I guard like Smaug.) Sleep was okay. Turning in my sleep was something else. This morning it was hell getting up and moving around. But I did it. I did a lot of stretches to relieve the pressure here and there. My kids were total champs about helping me out. (as was Mr. Jenner)
I had to go into town to buy Miss Biscuit shoes, and pick up things for dinner. This wasn't something I could hand off to others. Senor Onion came along on the trip in case I needed to hold on to someone. It was some exquisite pain (even dosed up with so much ibuprofen. Yeah I spent the day edging with that stuff. Sure my intestines and liver are all, "wha???" but I was all, "cool it. Mama has shit to do.") at times. But we did grocery shopping, and shoe shopping in record time.

We came home and I took some codeine and ate some leftover stew. I did laundry, I tidied, I kept moving. And I was okay. I did have moments this morning where I thought, "Lord take me. I will never be anxious again."
There was a low moment (before I took codeine at lunch) when Senor Onion accidentally bumped a glass of water over and it went right into my handbag. I was just so overwhelmed. By everything. By every single thing in existence. But I was just too drained to cry. I wanted to cry. So much. Just sob about the state of the world, my back, the US elections, my handbag, my brain, the fact that Davie Bowie and Prince are still dead, that I can't find any canned (tinned) pumpkin locally, that I live in a country with a number of stupid people, and I am down to two bras.
I am going to get a bunch of bras this week. I did say to Mr. Jenner "THIS is why I spend good money on my bras. The ones that are still holding on like Wilson-Philips are the ones I spent good money on. Fuck Marks and Spencer."

Then we had all the cousins over, (and my sisters in law.) and that was a lot of fun. Pizza, kids running around everywhere, and sweets. We took the kids trick-or-treating. I was all bundled up (it was a gorgeous clear night) and all that walking up and down the lane really helped a bit. I was even able to hold my youngest nephew (a wiggly chunky two year old) for a couple of minutes. I felt like a bad-ass. (especially when lifting a pumpkin earlier was difficult.)
Everyone ended up with so many sweets.
I just need to keep moving, keep stretching, and keeping taking fun pain killers and it will get better.

Now I may eat a fun sized twix.

I passed that mofo.
I only had six faults. (Apparently that is very good.) And it helped that I quickly recognized when I made a mistake and sorted it.
The examiner was incredibly nice. Apparently he used to be a traffic cop, so he tends to view people as trying their best. Absolutely lovely.
DONE. Soooooooooooo done.
When he told me I passed I kinda chair-danced in my seat. I think he was slightly thrown by my enthusiastic American style. But he took it well.
DONE DONE DONE.
Phew.
Let's have pizza.

I took Miss Biscuit to the doctor. She has symptoms that indicate she likely has a hernia. It doesn't cause her any pain, but she has this occasional peculiar swelling. She gave it a name. It is the egg. Because it looks a bit like an egg under the skin when it pops out. The doctor could feel it, so the next step is a scan and a chat with a specialist. It could be one of those things where they want to wait and see what it does, or it could mean a bit of surgery. (a quick stuff things back in place and sew things shut.) Miss Biscuit was a little terrified about the situation at first. Then I explained what I knew, and how gentle the doctor would be. (She likes our lovely lady German GP.) She brought her dearest beloved stuff horse Rora with her for the appointment and that made it so much easier. And Miss Biscuit got a sticker for her trouble.

I spent the day reworking a story I wrote sometime ago. Time to hustle and submit my wares and face all of the rejection in the world. Someone pay me to write something. I got lumpy children to feed.

My GP is working on sorting out some physical stuff. (my intestines are crazy inflamed so there will be blood work and other civilized stuff.)
I am also creating a possible plan to deal with the anxiety flare-ups.
I had a good day today. It was busy. And there were a few moments where I was hit by that wave of sadness/fear but I was able to make it drop and disappear.
The feeling is very real but it isn't all of me.

I had a really good driving lesson. (My test is in October) My instructor said, "You really showed what you can do. It clicked." Maybe it helped to chew gum to get rid of that nervous energy. Chomping away like a cow.
I began work on a piece that I am hoping to send off soon for submission to a literary journal. "hey reject me I don't care."

I have to remember I am capable.

We dragged the children to London recently. Dragged isn't the right word I suppose. They enjoy London a lot. But it was kind of a packed few days since we haven't really taken them on holiday this year. (this year money went to things like fixing the boiler, and the car, and other boring grown up stuff. Next year maybe.) We promptly dropped our bags off at our hotel and went to the Imperial War Museum. Because all children like war. Or at least have an interest in aspects of it. Miss Biscuit wanted to see some planes and things. Which she did. She really took to the planes, the rockets, the tanks, and the motorcycle with a sidecar AND machine gun. She likes things that make noise and can cause some terror. Senor Onion was more keen on the enigma machine, and the interactive computer version you could try out. (they both enjoyed that a lot.) The home front side was kind of cool for them because they could see some of the stuff that their Nanny D has mentioned, and there was an anderson shelter they could climb into, and then listen to the air raid sirens. They were really taken with the map that showed how much of London was bombed. Here is Nanny D's childhood all in one place. Then we had cake and tea and talked about the futility of war before returning to the hotel for introverted screen time. We had Mexican food which wasn't bad. Some of it was a bit spicy for some members of the family. But the real win was churros. Miss Biscuit said, "This is what you should feed seven year olds." She had dawdled the whole way to the restaurant but after tortilla chips and churros she raced the whole way back to the hotel.
The next day it was a day I carefully planned and I suspect we pushed it a bit much but dang the kids saw a lot.
Senor Onion (ever the architecture fan) asked to see the Westminster. He just wanted to have a good look at the outside of the palace. So we did. It is big. It is ornate. It is falling down. We walked past assorted buildings around Whitehall, past the PM's home, and observed the different styles of building, and he thought it was great how you could have so many different kinds of buildings pushed up against one another. Then it was off to the Science Museum. A slight disappointment as their favorite floor is closed right now. I hadn't thought to check. It is the place where you can play and touch EVERYTHING. But we did the best with what we had. Miss Biscuit liked looking at the steam engines and other inventions of the last couple hundred years. Senor Onion liked space, and I think we were all amused by the secret life of the home. After that it was the Natural History Museum which was pretty awesome. I have never been there before. The kids LOVED the area devoted to earthquakes and volcanoes. Loads of things to touch and examine. (Senor Onion was intrigued by the display that shows all the seismic activity for the past 7 days. Earth is always moving.) Miss Biscuit favored the Kobe super market earthquake simulation. We had lunch and then looked at all of the ancient stuffed animals. So many. And so old. Including a few extinct creatures. We all want our own pet dodo.

Then a bit of shopping. And like any good mother I accidentally took my children through a bit of a red-light district in Soho. It should be noted I once did the same thing in Amsterdam. I don't mean to walk my children through neighborhoods where it says in NEON letters, "HOT SEX NOW" and the like. They haven't asked me about it, but hey, all part of the fun and adventure of city life. So many colors! We went to a comic book shop where they bought a number of good things to read, then we went to a shoe shop and bought Mr. Jenner a new pair of shoes as his old pair had long gone home to Jesus. I had done my research, told him which shoes would be to his liking, got him fitted and out of there in five minutes. He appreciated my help. THEN more fun on the tube and a trip to The Tower of London. Because all children need to go there at least once so they can say, "yep. been there." We saw the crown jewels which Miss Biscuit LOVED. She saw all these big fuck-off crowns and the one she really liked was the tiny wee one worn by Queen Victoria after she was widowed. "WHERE can I get one of those????" You have good taste kid. Very good taste. We walked here and there, looked at the dungeons, and the towers, and the watched some people in period costume, and had a good look at the ravens who were loitering on some stairs. I half-expected to see them smoking. But the kids were pretty tired at that point. Thank goodness for ice cream. And plenty of benches. Loads of moaning and exhaustion. Because it is a family outing. In keeping with the meal theme of Mama's North American roots, we had American bbq for dinner. Well Mr. Jenner and I ate a bunch of meat. It was delicious and wonderful. Burnt ends too! Senor Onion had TWO corndogs, fries, and root beer and declared that we must return to this restaurant some time. Miss Biscuit had macaroni and cheese and corn muffins. She actually ate her dinner. Most of it. A rare display. Finally a bus ride back to the hotel, and sleep. Because we had to be up early the next day for photos and a visit to the US embassy. Always a good time there. Passport photos were done at this one place near the embassy that is quick and good. And they also do Tilda Swinton's passport photos. (along with other celebrities but really we just care about her photo.)
The embassy is always a fun time. A very particular way of getting in. And then you are sent to wait. With everyone else. ALL of the Americans. Many people with young children, and a few babies being registered. I have always liked the children's play area because they put some real thought into it. A place for kids to work their yayas out, some toys to bliss out on, and the tv turned to Cbeebies. Senor Onion brought an archie comic with him, and read while Mr. Jenner waited in line, and I hung out with Miss Biscuit. Well she went off to play and I enjoyed the wi-fi. They saw Senor Onion and said, "yep, that is your kid, and his application for a new passport has been approved." Everyone is so friendly and cheerful. Must be one sweet gig. A nice hit of America for an hour and a half.
THEN we went to the Borough market and ate delicious things, bought cheese, and took the train home.
Next time must remember a bit more built-in down time for the kids and don't make them walk 12 miles in one day. Because they get pretty worn out by the end.
The passport arrived today. Hurrah.

I tackled things. I ordered new shoes for Senor Onion and had them overnighted. (so he is good for a bit.) I found my wedding ring. Yesterday (Friday) the tumble dryer repairman appeared at my door just after I had messaged my mother in law about borrowing the use of hers. He said, "I got the part, and I was in the neighborhood." I smiled, clasped my hands and said, "COME IN MY SAVIOR!" Man I must be seen as the weird lady in the village. I have a working dryer. Let's dry everything. Forever and ever amen.
THEN we got a call that the car was fixed. I have my car back!
So things are slightly better.
I am still wrapped up in a state of anxiety about life but I think that will be eased by going on a good hard run tomorrow morning. Just run and run and let go of what I can't control.
I am coming up to my driving test soonish and I am trying not to freak out about it. DAMMIT ENGLAND why must you make shit so hard and bullshitty. I suppose then, you guys wouldn't be you.
Tomorrow morning I will also not have an alarm dictating things. Just for a bit.