keep pretending

[gfrancie]

Today I felt the beginning of that slow descent into depression/weirdness that comes every month. It was kind of a blech feeling to realize it, but I am also kind of calm because I know what is going on, and I am going to the doctor on Tuesday and I know how to advocate for myself and get what I need.
It was just a bit hard around 5:30 because the light was a certain way and it was windy and since I was a child, there has been something about that combination of things that makes me feel squirrely. Even in a room full of people it can make me feel absolutely alone. I focused on making toad in the hole (it has been awhile since I have made that) and carefully slicing vegetables and all those other inane details. It doesn't quite get me out of my head but it is a direction.

I just have to tell myself when I don't feel like doing anything, that I have to do those basic things. I have to get out of bed, get dressed, brushed my teeth, eat something, tend to my children, talk to my husband, and so on and so forth. My reward is a hot bath at the end of the day.

I edited/expanded a short story I wrote awhile ago and tossed onto the pile. I feel kind of good about it. It is just a matter of figuring out what to do with it.

Comments

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I admit I find it difficult to view it as strength. Especially in the really dark moments that I don't get into much. It is a lot of deal-making with myself.