In bed with me.

Things are still not great. They are miserable. But hilarious. Truly.
I knew I had to see a GP today. I had another horrible night of rest and I was stuck at times trying to get out of bed. It was terrible. There I was crying in front of my husband and daughter as I tried to figure out how to move without feeling like my back was exploding. Both felt helpless. I made them leave the room because a four year old child shouldn't see things like this. At least mine shouldn't. I did call the GP and they got me in very very fast. Once I accepted the early appointment I had to face the next challenge. I had to get some kind of clothes on, get down the stairs, get into the car, and be driven all the way to Bude for my appointment. "Hey Gen, you are going to climb this mountain, while walking on your hands and you are on fire." "Cool." I got some clothes on. I got down the stairs. I used a chair to help get me to the car (which was brought right up to the door.) and I had a hot water bottle. We got there just in time.
Mr. Jenner went to pay for parking (and we got a spot near the entrance.) and I began the process of talking myself into climbing out of the car. I had to do this myself because I know the limits of my mobility. (and what would make me scream out loud in pain.) I need to stop and say, "DAMN." Because I have been having a long hard think about what it must be like for people with long-term mobility issues, and being disabled and trying to get around and yeah yeah I know about some stuff but fuck all mighty getting around most places must be an utter bitch. Like you know your limits, and what will wear you out and how much it will take to go a short distance and all the fucking obstacles in the way and holy shit. HOLY SHIT. This is illuminating to really experience it. Universal design is where it's at.

So there I was leaning against the car and slowly moving myself to lean against another car, waiting for Mr. Jenner. This nice old lady looked at me with concern and said, "Are you all right?" To which I replied rather cheerful, "Oh, I am fine. I just can't walk. Don't worry, my husband is coming to help me along. Thank you." And she smiled and said, "all right then." and carried on her way. I wrapped myself around the ever kind and super amazing Mr. Jenner and we made it to the entrance of the garden. I was slowly walking along the gravel path when I heard someone behind me. I said, "let's move to one side so they can pass." This woman grabbed onto me and said, "let's go." and I said politely but firmly, "It's all right. Please move." I know in my heart of hearts she wanted to be helpful but it was much easier to rely on one person. A person who knows me, and knows the situation. She wouldn't let go, and I had to do that thing where my eyes go black and my voice takes on kind of a scary firm tone and I told her, "NO. YOU need to move. I do not need your help. This is my husband's job. LET GO and move along." She looked terrified. Somewhere out there... there is a lady who was frightened to pieces by a scary woman, and again I apologize. My pain didn't make me polite and gentle. ARGH. HULK GENNIE. Mr. Jenner said later on, "I think you shattered her." I had to laugh. I felt like the biggest bastard on the planet. Again, I think more about disabled people and why some get down right aggro.
I slowly got in and leaned against a pillar in the waiting room. Just my luck, I had to see my least favourite doctor in the practice. No Dr. German Nice-lady (as I call her. She is so sincerely nice and calm.) or Dr. Sexy-pants. I LOVE Dr. Sexy-pants with his sympathetic eyes which make me all flustered and stuff. Instead I had to see the guy I called Dr. Beardo, but now he doesn't have a beard. So I needs a new name. Dr. No-beardo. I hobbled my way to his room. He asked me, "how are you?" and I looked at him for a second and said, "oh you know...fabulous." He watched as I hobbled and clutched the walls in an attempt to walk. "WTF DUDE. I AM HERE BECAUSE I AM CRIPPLED!" So we had a quick chat, though we had this whole side-ways chat about my issues with ibuprofen, which I understand is important to get because the most common way to treat back issues is with stuff like that but when I would start to answer he would interrupt and ask another question which would have been answered if he had let me finish. FUCK IT. I am going to make a point from now on to say when booking appointments, "anyone but Dr. No-Beardo because that man makes me stabby." Eventually we got to the point where he understood the ibuprofen thing and WHY I tend to shy away from them. I explained what went on with my back, the pain, the inability to really walk, and what I had been taking. He doesn't think it is a pinched nerve (huzzah!) but the back spasms are bad. Soooooooooooo... I get a fuck ton of codeine. I don't care for opiates but you know what, I will take them at this point. AND I got this lovely stuff called, Diazepam. Which is used for all manner of stuff. I am supposed to take that as needed, but I may hold off until bed-time because I haven't really gotten any quality sleep in a few days. It is supposed to make me loopy or something. For all the love there is for prescription medication abuse in the western world, it isn't really my bag, because I like being alert. Dr. No-beardo said I should try and be up and potter about. I looked at him and said, "well sometimes in the afternoon, I can stand up for about three minutes without holding onto something, so I suppose that will count as pottering." Pottering. Yeah. I am just going to amble about the house. This shit better work.
We hobbled out of the doctor's surgery and I waited as Mr. Jenner went to get the car and bring it close to the entrance.
So there I was again, waiting. Leaning against this old wall and holding on for dear life. Thinking, "this isn't how I pictured January." This woman comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, but are you all right?" And again I said, "oh, I just can't walk, but I am all right. My husband is bringing the car around." She said, "oh that is a bother isn't it. I am waiting to get my knee replaced so I know how you feel. Bless you." We had a good giggle about being gimpy, and then we said our goodbyes. Absolute stranger but a good moment. Oh England. THEN. THEN? Oh this was too perfect. This wall is old. Not Bronze age old. More like Victorian old. But still. Old. Beautiful. Part of the Methodist church. I am holding onto an edge of it with my hand when all of a sudden it crumbles and I lose my grip because it starts falling off and I nearly lose my fragile balance. Bits of wall falling on me and onto the ground but somehow I catch myself and begin to laugh. Thankfully Mr. Jenner showed up and help put me in the car.
Phew.
This is my life. Scaring old women, breaking Victorian walls, and begging for drugs.

I am now home. In bed. Oh wait... I am "pottering." I am filled with some codeine and telling people what to do with the laundry. The package I shipped here from Seattle has arrived. My sister wrote on it, which did loads to cheer me up today. I thank you Kit. You are the best.

Okay. So I have taken up running which has helped the anxiety, and has (until now) decreased A LOT of my back issues. I think I may have to take up something else to help the back issues more. Strength training? yoga? Something kind of subtle and gentle to get things better.

well fuck you too then.

Tonight we get a phone call from the estate agents saying our landlord has decided to end the lease. Now I should explain that we had a year long lease with them and then after that it was a short lease where we would give them a months notice if we were going to move and they would give us a couple months notice if they wanted us to move. The estate agent didn't seem to give us the impression that it was something we did. I am not entirely sure what is up on that front but you know what? I give no fucks. And not just because I have valium in me. So we need to be out by the end of March, which is all right. Yes, it kind of adds stress to life but we will figure something out. The agents said they didn't have anything in our area at the moment. (because we are going to stay in this area because the school is so good.) But they would keep an eye out. But again, fuck them. I've put the word out, my sister in law put the word out on FB, so someone local might know of something coming up. AND my Mother in law has offered to rent us the cottage at their place because that is available until the end of July. It is cute. I will say that. It lacks a dishwasher which is a bit of a bother. It is three bedrooms (Mr. Jenner could just work in the office/studio a few feet away at his parents place) has one and three-quarters bath, it is near-ish to the school. I would probably have to use my inlaws washing machine, and I bet I would have to hang my clothes to dry or something because they won't use the dryer unless they really really have to, which drives me slightly bonkers. But I could live with it for a bit. I think the other thing to sort out would be living so close. But we aren't there yet. But we aren't good and truly screwed. It just adds another thing to life. So... we will be putting our house on the market at the end of the month. (I will blanket the internet with a link to the house so people can pass it on to others blah blah blah.) We are looking for a new place to live here. I have to get better quick. I am so glad I brought back sooooooooo much chocolate from Seattle. This is now my therapy chocolate. And running. When I can get back to it. Once I am not hobbling or screaming in pain I will start with walks. Gentle walks. Because dammit I am going to be well.