rant of the month.

[gfrancie]

There has something that has been tumbling about in my head for awhile. I may end up offending some people but that isn't my intention but it is in regards to girls, ideas about gender identity and frilly dresses.

I was reading a blog the other day that is mostly about Motherhood and so on and the woman who writes the blog was speaking with pride about how her daughter doesn't have an interest in dresses and how she is dressed in jeans and t-shirts and isn't interested in dolls. There was this implication that somehow her daughter was some how better or "stronger" because she wasn't keen on "traditional" interests and wasn't a girly girl. I have also read blogs and heard some women speak with a sense of disdain when their daughter is into wearing frilly dresses, playing with dolls and spending a good portion of their time pretending to be princesses and all those traditional things.

It bothers me for many reasons.


I think if a little girl doesn't hold an interest in dresses, barbies, playing "house" and so on -that is fine. Every person from the beginning has their interests, grand passions and what is comfortable and familiar to them. But I do worry a great deal when a parent attempts to project certain ideas upon a child early on. If a little girl adores dressing up in a purple dress with plenty of lace and has on-going tea party with her dolls -then let her be. She isn't weak, she won't lack a backbone, she won't always rely on her looks to get by and be some co-dependent individual who is prone to marrying men who don't respect them and end up addicted to valium and reading badly written novels.


I was a little girl who loved her dresses and hair ribbons. I had plenty of dolls and a tea set. I took ballet and art lessons and so on. I am still kind of like that. I love the color pink, I wear a lot of skirts and one I suppose could describe me as a "girly-girl". (a term that seems offensive to the girl who doesn't hold my interests because they are just as much a girl as I am)
But don't doubt my sense of strength or what I can do. When I was a kid my favorite books were about bad-ass women in history, many of my friends were boys, I loved playing army and if need be I could kick the crap out of someone all while wearing a pink dress with flowers.
As an adult I like to wear high heels, bake cakes and I stay at home with my kid but I know how to sail and kayak. I can talk about Hobbes, Kate Chopin and George Eliot. I can survive out in the woods if I have to and I can still kick the crap out of someone in my pink dress.

It's as if there is a supposed sliding scale of strength/intelligence and the feminine that isn't allowed to be intertwined and some things are more superior or more respected by some. It seems a little antiquated to put everyone into such narrow definitions. It is also offensive to all women in general to say one identity is better than the other. The little girl who digs jeans and baseball is just as feminine as the one who wants to live in a castle with her ponies.

Comments

[sucrelefey.livejournal.com]

I love you.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

aw shucks.

[jawnbc]

hear hear!

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Sitting around at home with a monkey gives me too much free time to think.

[seasecret.livejournal.com]

Well said. = ]

Amen.

[sahara-harp.livejournal.com]

It must be hard for the children, to have their very nature disapproved of by their parents.

Re: Amen.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Yes! Sort of an extension of what you were talking about when kids don't have their feelings validated. "you don't feel this" "You don't like that"

[wolfchilde.livejournal.com]

Oh joyous gender stereotypical reinforcement!!! Alls I know Ms. Jenner is that if I have a daughter she will have to spend time with you, maybe some of your awesomeness will rub off (that and she can secretly steal your cooking powers mwahahahah).

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

It isn't healthy for anyone.
My brothers had their trucks, lego and action figures but they both had baby dolls. I think the variety helped them.

Oooh trying to steal my power eh?

[freudian-slip.livejournal.com]

so if alex grows up to be a republican....?

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I'd love him to pieces and tease him often.

[maliekai.livejournal.com]

Awesome. What bugs me about the girly-girl stereotype is that people seem to think that being girly = being high-maintenance. You can be girly and self-sufficient!

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[kristenlou.livejournal.com]

I went through a phase of this very thing - worrying that if my kid buys into the frilly dresses and the Barbies, she will end up buying into the Barbie/Bratz/Britney media spew and doubting her own self-image because she's not pretty enough or sexy enough or trendy enough. Perhaps that says more about me than her, but I have read extensively on this sort of thing.

However, I never limited her access to such things and have on occasion purchased said frills. (You may recall the extensive arsenal of fairy princess accoutrements available chez nous. Mr. Jenner perhaps remembers the crown of flowers and ribbons.)

Miss J has turned out to be bright, extremely strong willed, stubborn and creative, AND more of a "girly-girl" than most of her pals. I honestly don't think I need to worry about her self-image. She may be into American Girl dolls, Webkins (crack cocaine for the 2nd grade set)and Polly Pocket, but on the other hand, she has also expressed interest in being a rock star like Joan Jett, being an archeologist, can tell you all about who discovered king Tut's tomb and is currently reading Greek Mythology. Lord knows where she'll end up, but wherever it is, I'm sure her hair will be terrific and she'll have fabulous shoes.

[solar-diablo.livejournal.com]

she will end up buying into the Barbie/Bratz/Britney media spew and doubting her own self-image because she's not pretty enough or sexy enough or trendy enough.

We had the same concerns for our daughter, for this very reason. I didn't want to encourage my kid to buy into a media-distorted perception of what constitutes a desirable/proper female, and I sure as hell didn't want her to get the idea that a Barbie doll's figure or Britney's behavior was something to aspire to. All the same, she likes wearing dresses and pink and other "girly" things, and that's fine with me. Why go nuts to the opposite extreme and ban such things? It's possible to discriminate between those gender stereotypes that are harmless (liking pink, wearing dresses) and those that are destructive (unrealistic body expectations, downplaying female intelligence).

BTW, my wife HATES Bratz. Even now she refuses to consider them as a gift. Good thing the kid never really go tinto them. :P

[tu-tartaruga.livejournal.com]

This post is fabulous!

I'm such a hypocrite though. If my little girl grows up to be a republican I'll cry and think she's suffering from brain damage. Thus is life.

[serorobele.livejournal.com]

My friend's mom was convinced for awhile that he was gay (he is not). She tried and tried to get him to come out to her and explained over and over that it would be ok and that he would still be their fantastic son no matter what. Nothing seemed to be getting through (probably since he wasn't gay) so finally she clasped her hands and said, in all seriousness, "This wouldn't change ANYTHING! You're our SON! We'd still love you even if you were... Republican!"

[robiewankenobie.livejournal.com]

my mother couldn't stop me from wearing dresses while climbing trees until first grade. she was much relieved when she was able to keep me from flashing my knickers at passers by. i still climbed trees, i just wore pink frilly pants instead of frilly dresses.

and, yes, people pick the weirdest things to be proud about concerning their kids.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

(......can you tell me who that icon is?I have a little doll like that and I dont know his name!)

[scarlettfish.livejournal.com]

I was a little kid who loved frilly dresses and Barbies, too. Doesn't seem to have done me too much damage. Love this post.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Dresses and Barbies are fun.

[rosy1.livejournal.com]

I lurve you... and if you ever come to Montreal I will take you to all the great girly-girl places to eat, drink and be merry!

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

There are a million places in Montreal I want to eat and drink. I keep telling Mr. Jenner that I have to go.

[starrynytes4me.livejournal.com]

My Mom made me Barbie clothes for my dolls. Oh how I loved that. I'm far from a shrinking violet, but I dare anyone to seperate me from my lipgloss without pulling back a bloody stump, to this day.

[kristenlou.livejournal.com]

My mom used to make clothes for my Barbie, too! there was one particular bell-bottomed jumper thing I adored.

[rebeccmeister.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a really cute French movie called "Ma Vie en Rose" (not to be confused with "La Vie en Rose"). It's about a little boy who wants to wear dresses, and how his family and a comfortable suburban neighborhood react to his decision. It's a super-cute movie, but also emphasizes the importance of letting kids be however they want to be. And I agree, that it's best not to project on one's kids in one direction or the other.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Oh I love that movie. It does raise the idea of just letting a child be.

[fairest1ofall.livejournal.com]

It seems like there is no value in being a girly girl...and that somehow these mothers find value in thenselves as progressive by their daughters rehecting
the pink and girly trappings...My mum is was a total rocker, not a girly...she was saddled with a pink wearing barbie loving kid who would never leave the house without being in a costume....now I still drool over ballerina pink, hate pants still love barbie...and still prance around in costumes..
I was born this way...

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

You gotta be you.
Hopefully if I end up with a girl who holds no interest in pink or dollies I will have the intelligence to say, "okay." I think my major concern is just instilling a proper sense of self-confidence and optimism.

[artemis-moon.livejournal.com]

Funny enough, we started out trying to let Rowan find her own image to see if she would "choose" what she liked. She wore her brother's used Spiderman tees for years and always fondled the pink items in the girls department. When she was in Kindergarten she wanted dresses and tights. When she was in second grade she wanted a Barbie which made us realize we needed to try to buy Barbies which looked more like real people. We settled on buying Brunettes since there weren't alternative Barbies. She played with the blondes anyways.

In fourth and fifth grade she only wore dresses and sandals. She started to put her hair up and wanted lip gloss. We told her she was pretty in anything and let her wear pink and dresses to school, even though every girl was sporty and wearing jeans!

Now she is the girliest person I know. She adores having jewelry on and her nails done. She isn't allowed to buy skimpy things just because women on magazines wear them...we still have many rules. She also cannot wear full makeup or date. She is only 12 after all.

But allowing her to express who she is, a girly-girl at heart makes her happy.
And her fave books are about heroines. She admires famous writers, teachers, singers and actors, and history makers. She has her own mind (as you have read about in my LJ) and her own thoughts about religion. She knows about girls and image because we talk about it all the time.

I like my strong, independent girlie girl and I also liked her when she was a tomboy.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I never developed weird self-esteem issues from my Barbies. The self-image problems came from other sources. I always found Barbie just... fun and entertaining. I think that is what most girls find.

It sounds like Rowan is just as you said, strong, independent and fierce. Which are qualities everyone needs to survive.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

You totally rock and have my utmost admiration.

My friend Robert had a dad who didnt like Robert playing with Barbie.So Dad threw Robbie's Barbie onto the roof,where it stayed.

Now Robert lives with his boyfriend and two pugs and the biggest Barbie collection I have ever witnessed.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Stories like that break my heart. To get rid of a child's toy because it makes the parent uncomfortable is just cruel. I am so pleased that Robert has that giant Barbie collection. I bet it has provided a fair amount of healing for him.

[serorobele.livejournal.com]

I grew up with three other kids (two boys and two girls total) and our moms were very anti-gender roles. They bought the girls trucks and the boys dolls and dressed us all in yellow and green. But apparently when we were not even two years old, we were all in the living room of someone's house with no toys in sight. Apparently the other girl and I went over to the fireplace kindling and started pretending the sticks were dolls and the boys grabbed some more of the wood and pretended they were cars, crashing into each other.

At that point our mothers realized that there was something to be said for the "nature" side of the grand debate and started buying us what we wanted.

Like you said. It doesn't matter if girls want dolls or boys want cars or vice versa, as long as they're happy! :)

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

*laughs*
Obviously being denied what you genuinely wanted had its effect.

[aimgrrrl.livejournal.com]

There's some interesting discussion about Femme (yes, capitalized) as a specific gender identity, independent of male vs female, and how it's as gender-queer to be Femme or High Femme in this society as it is to be exceptionally Butch. Kate Bornstein and Shar Rednour are both good for reading on the topic.

As a Femme woman who is attracted to the more masculine side of the spectrum in other women, I can tell you it isn't easy figuring out one's sexual identity when the gender identity doesn't match what is expected of a particular group. I wasn't butchie or middle of the road therefore I must not be gay. Uh, wrong. My partner, who is also genderqueer but on the other side of the spectrum as a trans-identified, somewhere-in-the-middle, not quite FTM, was beaten up by the other kids for being the "wrong" gender even before she was mature enough to understand what the beating was for. So, yeah. Some of us are just what/who we are.

In short, I fully agree with you. Thanks for the post. People need reminding that it's ok to be different - and that includes the differentness of having a "traditional" (aka 1950's Donna Reed) gender role.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

I often wonder about that within the gay community. I do get the feeling that there are some who think you have to play certain roles or deny certain roles because it just doesn't seem "correct".
Especially as a Lesbian -I think of some gay friends who were told by other gay people, "oh well you aren't truly gay because you aren't like this or that." which seems awfully fascist. It just seems like sexuality and gender roles should be well...personal.